I have been suffering from severe backache for about 6 weeks. I took it to the GP, saw a locum, and he, without looking at my back, diagnosed a back strain and offered me a sick note. I explained that I was retired and therefore was more interested in a cure for my ills than time off. Somewhat taken aback he asked a couple more questions, checked my 'pooterised notes and said "I can't give you anything other than Paracetamol or Co-Codemol because of the heart drugs you take" So I accept the codeine/paracetamol mix and limp home. Within a few days I am seriously constipated. Not an unforecastable result of 4 hourly doses of codeine you might say but in the process of "moving the log jam" I become aware of a serious pain in the rectum. "Here we go Snoops ~ the Farmer Giles' are going to start playing up" I think.
A week goes by and still serious pain in the arse so back to the GP. "Piles" he announces without looking up from the 'pooter screen "Here's a prescription for some cream that'll help". I totter back home. Another 10 days pass and still extreme pain whenever I take a dump. Cautious internal self examination discloses a large lump just inside the rectum so back I go to the GP. This time it's "drop your trousers and I'll have a look" .....................
.................... "Hmmmm, not really piles ~ I think you may have a boil there, I'll give you some max strength antibiotics, take them for a week and try not to sh*t more than once a day"
A week later I return to the GP. "It's no better Doc, if anything the swelling is bigger"
"Hmmmm, have some more antibiotics and if it doesn't improve over the weekend we'll think about the hospital to have it drained"
"Do you drain a boil? I thought you lanced a boil but drained an abscess"
"Well I'm not certain it is a boil as it is not responding to the antibiotic"
Week end of total misery and pain.
This morning I 'phone the GP "Doc, it's no better"
"Hmmm ~ you'd better take it to A&E"
"Doc, I don't want to be difficult but this is neither an accident nor an emergency ~ why don't you refer me to the appropriate department using you nice new shiny 'pooterised system that enables you to bypass the post system?"
"Nah, be quicker for you to go to A&E"
So I go to A&E. A 6 hour wait
. I know the sister in charge, she lives in the village.
"Hello Dilys, Busy today"
"Hello Snoopy, what brings you in under your own steam, much more used to seeing you being carried in by the paramedics"
"Well it's like this ~ I had what Dr XXXX thinks was a boil in me bum but having treated it for 12 days he now thinks it may be a perinial abscess"
"Oh Christ ~ that's painful .... well I can't push you in front of anyone pet and if you wait you'll be seen but I honestly don't think you'll get into see a doctor inside of 6 hours, it's like a fairground in here today"
At which point a distracted mother rushes in carrying a toddler with blood streaming from its head and my pal leaps into action, grabs the child and bustles off bellowing at people to get out of her way. She comes back to me ten minutes later. "They're stitching him now" she says in response to my quizzical look. "So what are we going to do with you?"
"Well" I say "To my mind I have no business to be here. This is neither an accident nor an emergency just a pain in the arse, what do you suggest"
"Go home, you look like you are shaking and sweating, when did you last eat?"
"Yesterday afternoon, I didn't want to eat because to eat means to sh*t and to sh*t hurts, besides I know they wont do anything to drain this thing until I have gone 12 hours without eating 'cos of the anesthetic"
"Yes, well you are diabetic and are displaying all the symptoms of needing to top up your blood sugars before you collapse so go home, eat and then phone your GP and tell him from me to stop being lazy and refer you in the proper manner to the right department and you will be seen quicker than if you hang around here"
~ so I come home, calling my GP from my mobile en route. He is with a patient but will call me at home within the hour.
Just had a call from the practice manager to say "Come in and see Dr XXXX in the morning at 0910, He'll have another look at you and refer you if necessary. Meanwhile he says if it gets any worse go to A&E"
