Why bother asking

[Miss Demeanour]

For advice when you have no interest in hearing another point of view 

A friend of mine phoned last night at 11.30  - she was in a right two and eight about the actions of her partners ex - who she hasn't met yet - but the actions of the ex relate to my friend  (without going into all the details here)

So she read out a text that she had composed and asked my opinion. I said I thought she had been too harsh and judgemental and that if I received a text like that it would do nothing but anger me further.  "Ok then - you compose a text which covers what I want to say" she says . So I suggested a structure for her and then she accused me of being too fluffy and nice to this woman 

Send what you want then is how it was left 

[Uncle Mort]

Indeed, she didn't want your advice only your support for her actions.

[Snoopy]

IMHO a person's ex is a matter for that person, not any subsequent partners, boy/girlfriends or sundry family members, hangers on etc. All communication with an ex should be by the ex's ex-partner/spouse unless it concerns specifics like looking after any children during access periods, planning weddings of children of the first relationship (when the new partner may have some input but by invitation only).

Unless the circumstances are exceptional any new partner must keep away from any and all communication. Taking sides in a dispute will only serve to make matters worse and in the end the new partner will find themselves marginalised as the two exes become resentful of the newcomer involving themselves in matters that they were never privy to when they first arose.

Oh and as for why bother asking? Advice is meant to be given not taken.

[Darwins Selection]

Advice is meant to be given not taken.

Advice requested by the fair sex is expected to confirm the prefered answer, not offer alternatives.

Alternative views indicate a lack of empathy.

Much as U. Mort said really.

[Miss Demeanour]

Tough ...if you ask me for my opinion I will tell you what I think ...not what you want to hear 

[Uncle Mort]

As it should be Miss D. 

[Darwins Selection]

Yes, very macho of you. A proper tomboy response. 

[Miss Demeanour]

Yes, very macho of you. A proper tomboy response. 

 I try to fit in with you lot 

[GROWLER]

Yes, very macho of you. A proper tomboy response. 

 I try to fit in with you lot 

Quite comfotably too I'd say.

Anyway, tell us the juicy bits, i.e. but the actions of the ex relate to my friend  (without going into all the details here) 

[Miss Demeanour]

Growler ...I never had you down as a gossip queen 

[GROWLER]

Growler ...I never had you down as a gossip queen 

Oh yes, if it's juicy with 'bits in' to tickle the mind like. 

I lead a dull and boring life in reality.

[Miss Demeanour]

Friends BF and his ex have a child. She is 5 . They have the child most  every other weekend. Child gets on really well with my friend and the ex it would seem is less than impressed.

The 2 women have never met .

However the child this weekend has disclosed what her 'mummy' has been saying about her and that she has been told she mustn't like her because she has done a number of bad things  which has naturally made the child anxious and confused etc

[GROWLER]

Friends BF and his ex have a child. She is 5 . They have the child most  every other weekend. Child gets on really well with my friend and the ex it would seem is less than impressed.

The 2 women have never met .

However the child this weekend has disclosed what her 'mummy' has been saying about her and that she has been told she mustn't like her because she has done a number of bad things  which has naturally made the child anxious and confused etc

Is that IT? 

Usual 'primary school' name calling shite in essence. Just jelousy.

[Uncle Mort]

Sorry Growler but that sort of thing is seriously bad. You should never speak ill of your ex's partner to the children.


(I do refer to my ex's husband as the "evil stepdad" but that is in jest.)

[Miss Demeanour]

Essentially that is it with a bit more chucked in but friend is a social worker so had composed this text 'formalising' all the stuff she was doing wrong as a parent in social worker speak ....


I simply suggested this was completely inappropriate  -  and that this wasn't about child protection crap but indeed the jealousy and spite  and she needed to be above responding in the way that she was and find a more concillatory way for the sake of the child.

That didn't go down well either