The all new "Where are you today?" thread

[Steve]

Sounds more like a violent mugging and aftermath

'An eyewitness has told how he witnessed a young man and young woman being stabbed on Ilkeston Road, close to the junction with Bright Street, at about 04:00.

The man, who asked to remain anonymous, said: “Being a hot night, I had the window open and I just heard some awful, blood-curdling screams.

"It’s often quite busy with people coming back from town and you get the usual boyfriend-girlfriend arguments, so I thought it was something like that.

“I looked out of the window and saw a black guy dressed all in black with a hood and rucksack grappling with some people. It was a girl, and a man or boy she was with – they looked quite young.'

[The Moan Ranger]

I'd go with Nick's speculation - drug related.

[The Moan Ranger]

Went to the Job Centre Plus thingy to advise them I wasn't working - did they did need to know?

Mong 1 - "Do you have an appointment?"

Me - "No, did I need one?

Mong 1 - "Why are you here then?"

Me - "To find out if I need one. I've stopped working for now - pension tax-free will keep me going for at least a year, but what about NI contributions, I'm pretty sure I'm fully paid up, can you check?"

Blank looks.

Mong 1 "I'll get you a form".

Wander down to WH Smith to get a new photo for a new passport. Booth is fine - proceed and get the new photo, with the unique ID to use for the passport application. So far, so good. Then opton to email it to myself. Good idea, I think.

Enter email address - easy peasy normally, except the touchscreen is fucked. Press an "M" and you get and "N". Press an "R" and you get an "E". Having worked this out, proceeded to enter it, using the "go to the left" logic. Worked fine until I needed to put the "A" in for the googlemail part of the address. No matter what area to the left of "A" I punched, no "A" would display. Cue utter, biblical ranting. Luckily the Post Offie was quite empty at the time and a desk-mong (No.2) came over.

Went through the entire process again and eventually concluded "There's a problem with the screen". No fucking shit Sherlock.

Desk Mong 2 : "Tap you card to make the payment"

Me : "Did that last time, but the email address thingy is fucked"

Desk Mong 2: "Oh don't worry, it would have taken a payment"

Me: "Sure?"

Desk mong 2 : "Definitely"

Card tapped, payment confirmed.

Photos eventually spew out, with unique code for passport application. At last.

Retire to the pub for a couple of pints of breakfast. Phone pops a message advising me that I've been charged twice for the photos. Utter cunts.

[Barman]

Went to the Job Centre Plus thingy to advise them I was working - did they did to know?

Mong 1 - "Do you have an appointment?"

Me - "No, did I need one?

Mong 1 - "Why are you here then?"

Me - "To find out if I need one. I've stopped working for now - pension tax-free will keep me going for at least a year, but what about NI contributions, I'm pretty sure I'm fully paid up, can you check?"

Blank looks.

Mong 1 "I'll get you a form".

Wander down to WH Smith to get a new photo for a new passport. Booth is fine - proceed and get the new photo, with the unique ID to use for the passport application. So far, so good. Then opton to email it to myself. Good idea, I think.

Enter email address - easy peasy normally, except the touchscreen is fucked. Press an "M" and you get and "N". Press an "R" and you get an "E". Having worked this out, proceeded to enter it, using the "go to the left" logic. Worked fine until I needed to put the "A" in for the googlemail part of the address. No matter what area to the left of "A" I punched, no "A" would display. Cue utter, biblical ranting. Luckily the Post Offie was quite empty at the time and a desk-mong (No.2) came over.

Went through the entire process again and eventually concluded "There's a problem with the screen". No fucking shit Sherlock.

Desk Mong 2 : "Tap you card to make the payment"

Me : "Did that last time, but the email address thingy is fucked"

Desk Mong 2: "Oh don't worry, it would have taken a payment"

Me: "Sure?"

Desk mong 2 : "Definitely"

Card tapped, payment confirmed.

Photos eventually spew out, with unique code for passport application. At last.

Retire to the pub for a couple of pints of breakfast. Phone pops a message advising me that I've been charged twice for the photos. Utter cunts.

   

[The Moan Ranger]

Went to the Job Centre Plus thingy to advise them I was working - did they did to know?

Mong 1 - "Do you have an appointment?"

Me - "No, did I need one?

Mong 1 - "Why are you here then?"

Me - "To find out if I need one. I've stopped working for now - pension tax-free will keep me going for at least a year, but what about NI contributions, I'm pretty sure I'm fully paid up, can you check?"

Blank looks.

Mong 1 "I'll get you a form".

Wander down to WH Smith to get a new photo for a new passport. Booth is fine - proceed and get the new photo, with the unique ID to use for the passport application. So far, so good. Then opton to email it to myself. Good idea, I think.

Enter email address - easy peasy normally, except the touchscreen is fucked. Press an "M" and you get and "N". Press an "R" and you get an "E". Having worked this out, proceeded to enter it, using the "go to the left" logic. Worked fine until I needed to put the "A" in for the googlemail part of the address. No matter what area to the left of "A" I punched, no "A" would display. Cue utter, biblical ranting. Luckily the Post Offie was quite empty at the time and a desk-mong (No.2) came over.

Went through the entire process again and eventually concluded "There's a problem with the screen". No fucking shit Sherlock.

Desk Mong 2 : "Tap you card to make the payment"

Me : "Did that last time, but the email address thingy is fucked"

Desk Mong 2: "Oh don't worry, it would have taken a payment"

Me: "Sure?"

Desk mong 2 : "Definitely"

Card tapped, payment confirmed.

Photos eventually spew out, with unique code for passport application. At last.

Retire to the pub for a couple of pints of breakfast. Phone pops a message advising me that I've been charged twice for the photos. Utter cunts.

   

Edited to correct some of the typos 

[Barman]

Going back to the Quackter for more X-Rays and evaluation of me leg like... 

Waited outside the quackter's office...
He calls me in...

Q: Don't put it on the floor 
BM: I haven't 
Q: I watched you getting out of the car - why do you think I have my window open? 

Anyhoo... Three new X-Rays (€10) then examination (€6) and a new appointment for the 23rd when he reckons I could have the cast off! 

[Steve]

Going back to the Quackter for more X-Rays and evaluation of me leg like... 

Waited outside the quackter's office...
He calls me in...

Q: Don't put it on the floor 
BM: I haven't 
Q: I watched you getting out of the car - why do you think I have my window open? 

Anyhoo... Three new X-Rays (€10) then examination (€6) and a new appointment for the 23rd when he reckons I could have the cast off! 

[Steve]

Went to the Job Centre Plus thingy to advise them I was working - did they did to know?

Mong 1 - "Do you have an appointment?"

Me - "No, did I need one?

Mong 1 - "Why are you here then?"

Me - "To find out if I need one. I've stopped working for now - pension tax-free will keep me going for at least a year, but what about NI contributions, I'm pretty sure I'm fully paid up, can you check?"

Blank looks.

Mong 1 "I'll get you a form".

Wander down to WH Smith to get a new photo for a new passport. Booth is fine - proceed and get the new photo, with the unique ID to use for the passport application. So far, so good. Then opton to email it to myself. Good idea, I think.

Enter email address - easy peasy normally, except the touchscreen is fucked. Press an "M" and you get and "N". Press an "R" and you get an "E". Having worked this out, proceeded to enter it, using the "go to the left" logic. Worked fine until I needed to put the "A" in for the googlemail part of the address. No matter what area to the left of "A" I punched, no "A" would display. Cue utter, biblical ranting. Luckily the Post Offie was quite empty at the time and a desk-mong (No.2) came over.

Went through the entire process again and eventually concluded "There's a problem with the screen". No fucking shit Sherlock.

Desk Mong 2 : "Tap you card to make the payment"

Me : "Did that last time, but the email address thingy is fucked"

Desk Mong 2: "Oh don't worry, it would have taken a payment"

Me: "Sure?"

Desk mong 2 : "Definitely"

Card tapped, payment confirmed.

Photos eventually spew out, with unique code for passport application. At last.

Retire to the pub for a couple of pints of breakfast. Phone pops a message advising me that I've been charged twice for the photos. Utter cunts.

   

Slightly disappointed the whole post wasn't typed one keyboard character to the left though

[Barman]

Went to the Job Centre Plus thingy to advise them I was working - did they did to know?

Mong 1 - "Do you have an appointment?"

Me - "No, did I need one?

Mong 1 - "Why are you here then?"

Me - "To find out if I need one. I've stopped working for now - pension tax-free will keep me going for at least a year, but what about NI contributions, I'm pretty sure I'm fully paid up, can you check?"

Blank looks.

Mong 1 "I'll get you a form".

Wander down to WH Smith to get a new photo for a new passport. Booth is fine - proceed and get the new photo, with the unique ID to use for the passport application. So far, so good. Then opton to email it to myself. Good idea, I think.

Enter email address - easy peasy normally, except the touchscreen is fucked. Press an "M" and you get and "N". Press an "R" and you get an "E". Having worked this out, proceeded to enter it, using the "go to the left" logic. Worked fine until I needed to put the "A" in for the googlemail part of the address. No matter what area to the left of "A" I punched, no "A" would display. Cue utter, biblical ranting. Luckily the Post Offie was quite empty at the time and a desk-mong (No.2) came over.

Went through the entire process again and eventually concluded "There's a problem with the screen". No fucking shit Sherlock.

Desk Mong 2 : "Tap you card to make the payment"

Me : "Did that last time, but the email address thingy is fucked"

Desk Mong 2: "Oh don't worry, it would have taken a payment"

Me: "Sure?"

Desk mong 2 : "Definitely"

Card tapped, payment confirmed.

Photos eventually spew out, with unique code for passport application. At last.

Retire to the pub for a couple of pints of breakfast. Phone pops a message advising me that I've been charged twice for the photos. Utter cunts.

   

Slightly disappointed the whole post wasn't typed one keyboard character to the left though

 

[Nick]

Was posting about petrichor on Faceache and Bar Wench popped up in the comments 

[Barman]

Was posting about petrichor on Faceache and Bar Wench popped up in the comments 

 

How is she...?

[Nick]

"Gintastic" 

[Barman]

"Gintastic" 

 

[Steve]

been to Guildford and back for 6 pin bowling only to find we'd left the back door wide open all day. 
 
Probably need to tidy up now to see if we woz robbed



(we weren't)

[apc2010]

Home early ..bride got pissed and fell asleep at 9 30 ..at the table....   infront of her kids .....   Good coz groom was a copper....