Empty bar

[Nick]

Right. Long day in Inverness talking to hundreds of people all day. Walk back to hotel in freezing rain and, naturally, pop into a nice local pub wot I found for a pint.

The guy next to me in the empty bar strikesup a conversation.

He has spotted my accent.

Man: Where are you from?
Me: I live near Liverpool

He eyes me
Man: Do you know the furthest I have been from Inverness?
Me: No

Him: Syria
Me: Were you on holiday
Him: Yes, they are all enormous you know
Me: In Syria?
Man: No. SIRIUS. It's a different planet you know.
Me: Really?
Man: Yes they are very tall. It's the low gravity
Me: I see, and how did you get there?
Man: God took me. I have actually met God. I have been there twice. SHall I tell you all about it?

Me: Oh look I have a mobile phone call I must flee go


WHY ME!!!????

 

 

He is anxious to talk to you 

[Nick]

Right then. Edinburgh here I come

[Snoopy]

I am not sure whether to wish you or Edinburgh good luck. 

[GROWLER]

I'm getting regular updated text messages as to his latest whereabouts.

You lot?

[Miss Demeanour]

He's made it to Edinburgh 

[GROWLER]

Nick Tours for the more discerning disaster seeking traveller.
Comfy shoes and medic support team included.

Liverpool, London, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Bradford.
Got a nice ring to it ey?  

[Snoopy]

I'm getting regular updated text messages as to his latest whereabouts.

You lot?

Yes I get those too. I assume he is cc'ing his mobile contacts list. For reasons known only to Nick he sends mine to the land line which means the house phone rings and a very polite BT voice says "This is your messaging service, you have a voice text from 07 xxxxxxxxx, Message timed at ?????? on zz/bb/aa. Message reads: 'I am in Inverness. It is fooking cold'" To hear the BT voice (which sounds a little like our own dear Queen) enunciating Nick's "Fooking" and such is hilarious. I had one that said something like "I am in London, it is fooking raining and my fooking shoes hurt". I know that there is no human involved in reading these pronouncements and that the voice is a whole set of recorded vowel sounds, words etc that is put together by a 'pooter to enable it to "read" the texts but it still conjures up an image of one's maiden aunt struggling to keep a straight face as she reads Nick's curses to me.

[Nick]

 



And for my next trick: Manchester

[Snoopy]

And for my next trick: Manchester

Any chance you could make it vanish? 

[Nick]

I am still at fooking Edinburgh Airport 

[Snoopy]

When you get there will do like. 

[Miss Demeanour]

And for my next trick: Manchester

Any chance you could make it vanish? 

My brother lives in Manchester 

[Snoopy]

And for my next trick: Manchester

Any chance you could make it vanish? 

My brother lives in Manchester 

He has 60 minutes to pack and leave 

[Miss Demeanour]

He won't even be up yet 

He runs a club thingy with loud music and footballers wives a plenty 

[Barman]

I'm getting regular updated text messages as to his latest whereabouts.

You lot?

He doesn't have my number!