Fresh from the Inbox

[Baldy]

Hans Riegel from Bonn founded HARIBO in 1920.

His only competitor was Valentine Gildermann from Narrenhausen.

Poor guy didn't have a fucking chance.

 

[Barman]

Hans Riegel from Bonn founded HARIBO in 1920.

His only competitor was Valentine Gildermann from Narrenhausen.

Poor guy didn't have a fucking chance.

 

Mong....

Indeed. An allegedly "educated" man...

Indeed... 

[Barman]

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.

A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told...

On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it

[Barman]

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

[Just One More]

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

 

[Steve]

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

 

[Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits)]

From a flooding e-mail:




The Best Divorce Letter, ever !

 

My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.

 

I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have

nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle,

had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;

whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife.

 

Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together!

Have a great life!

REPLY:

 

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a

good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your

constant whining & bitching.  Too bad that doesn't work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing

that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'

Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say

something nice, I didn't comment......

and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me

confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 10 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99

price tag was still on it,& I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother

had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday,

I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris,

but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

 

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures

you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my 'brother' Carl

was born Carla.   I sure hope that's not a problem.

[Baldy]

 

[Steve]

[Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits)]

 You guys are up late! Particularly Baldy - what is it? 3 a.m.?

[Baldy]

You guys are up late! Particularly Baldy - what is it? 3 a.m.?

Yep. It was about that when I decided to go my pit. 

[boogs]

You guys are up late! Particularly Baldy - what is it? 3 a.m.?

Yep. It was about that when I decided to go my pit. 

Bluddy hell did you get any sleep 

[Baldy]

You guys are up late! Particularly Baldy - what is it? 3 a.m.?

Yep. It was about that when I decided to go my pit. 

Bluddy hell did you get any sleep 

Not much.....do you realise how early the boozers open here?

[apc2010]

You guys are up late! Particularly Baldy - what is it? 3 a.m.?

Yep. It was about that when I decided to go my pit. 

Bluddy hell did you get any sleep 

Not much.....do you realise how early the boozers open here?

 

[The Moan Ranger]

I accidentally dropped a bag of rice down the toilet.

So I placed it in a box of smartphones and left it overnight.