Fresh from the Inbox

[Barman]

My wife thinks its really sweet Joey Essex can't tell the time.

But if I'm 5 minutes late from the pub I'm a cunt.

 

[Landlady]

My wife thinks its really sweet Joey Essex can't tell the time.

But if I'm 5 minutes late from the pub I'm a cunt.

Bad language TMR but have to admit it did actually make me laugh out loud

[The Moan Ranger]

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts & wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

[The Moan Ranger]

I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a pint of bitter - he didn't like it so I drank it.

Next I offered him a lager, he didn't like that either so I drank that one as well.

In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.

By the time we got home I was barely able to push the pram.

[Just One More]

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts & wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

 

[Just One More]

I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a pint of bitter - he didn't like it so I drank it.

Next I offered him a lager, he didn't like that either so I drank that one as well.

In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.

By the time we got home I was barely able to push the pram.

 

[Barman]

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts & wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

[Barman]

I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a pint of bitter - he didn't like it so I drank it.

Next I offered him a lager, he didn't like that either so I drank that one as well.

In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.

By the time we got home I was barely able to push the pram.

 

[Baldy]

I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a pint of bitter - he didn't like it so I drank it.

Next I offered him a lager, he didn't like that either so I drank that one as well.

In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.

By the time we got home I was barely able to push the pram.

 

[Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits)]

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf,
so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.

He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scottish Jew : Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scottish Jew: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scottish Jew: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scottish Jew: Aye, I also do the same .

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scottish Jew : Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scottish Jew : Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scottish Jew: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

[Uncle Mort]

But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

Actually if you join a golf club you probably are a complete prick.

[Baldy]

But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

Actually if you join a golf club you probably are a complete prick.

 

[apc2010]

What's 10 inches long, hard as steel and can keep a woman loyal to you for years?




A deadlock bolt on a basement door in London apparently............

[apc2010]

A 15-year-old boy shot dead on a farm in Cumbria was 'popular', his school has said...........







Obviously not that popular.......................

[Barman]

What's 10 inches long, hard as steel and can keep a woman loyal to you for years?




A deadlock bolt on a basement door in London apparently............