Author Topic: Fresh from the Inbox  (Read 748881 times)

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Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3480 on: November 18, 2014, 08:06:40 PM »
I've just tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the Ebola outbreak, but my anti-virus software won't let me.


 ;D ;D

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3481 on: November 18, 2014, 08:11:36 PM »
I've just tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the Ebola outbreak, but my anti-virus software won't let me.

happy001

Plus, you'd be a complete cnut if you did like.....  ;)
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3482 on: November 20, 2014, 05:37:54 AM »
I had a brand new electronic garage door installed last week. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears my wife's voice.

To be honest, I haven't seen the fucking thing shut yet.
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3483 on: November 20, 2014, 06:12:05 AM »
I had a brand new electronic garage door installed last week. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears my wife's voice.

To be honest, I haven't seen the fucking thing shut yet.

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Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3484 on: November 20, 2014, 02:18:38 PM »
I had a brand new electronic garage door installed last week. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears my wife's voice.

To be honest, I haven't seen the fucking thing shut yet.


 ;D ;D ;D

Offline Steve

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3485 on: November 20, 2014, 11:05:37 PM »
The Bronze Rat

A tourist walked into an antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said:
'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said:
'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'No,' said the tourist,
'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!
Well, whatever, nevermind

Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3486 on: November 21, 2014, 04:44:35 AM »
The Bronze Rat

A tourist walked into an antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said:
'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said:
'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'No,' said the tourist,
'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!


 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3487 on: November 21, 2014, 07:05:15 AM »
The Bronze Rat

A tourist walked into an antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said:
'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said:
'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'No,' said the tourist,
'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!


 ;D ;D ;D ;D

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Steve

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3488 on: November 21, 2014, 01:38:27 PM »
Recruitment at Lidl

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked; 'What is the fastest thing you know of?

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. ''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed. 'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of' Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said. 

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA. ''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.  'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I had a rotten pain in the guts, so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE FECKIN' LIGHT, I shat myself!!

'Wally is now working at an Lidl near you!
Well, whatever, nevermind

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3489 on: November 21, 2014, 01:44:09 PM »
Recruitment at Lidl

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked; 'What is the fastest thing you know of?

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. ''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed. 'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of' Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said. 

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA. ''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.  'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I had a rotten pain in the guts, so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE FECKIN' LIGHT, I shat myself!!

'Wally is now working at an Lidl near you!

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Steve

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3490 on: November 21, 2014, 02:12:56 PM »
it originally said Aldi but I thought Lidl would be betterer for the Smuggers
Well, whatever, nevermind

Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3491 on: November 21, 2014, 02:16:12 PM »
it originally said Aldi but I thought Lidl would be betterer for the Smuggers

 ;D ;D ;D

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3492 on: November 21, 2014, 02:20:40 PM »
it originally said Aldi but I thought Lidl would be betterer for the Smuggers

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Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3493 on: November 22, 2014, 02:32:56 PM »
Recruitment at Lidl

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked; 'What is the fastest thing you know of?

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. ''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed. 'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of' Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said. 

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA. ''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.  'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I had a rotten pain in the guts, so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE FECKIN' LIGHT, I shat myself!!

'Wally is now working at an Lidl near you!

 ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Steve

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #3494 on: November 23, 2014, 02:21:47 AM »
Japanese sex argument

A Japanese couple are having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex :
Husband: Sukitaki. mojitaka
Wife replies: Kowanini! mowi janakpa
Husband says angrily: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina Tim kouji!
I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it is about sex .
You need serious help!! Sometimes I worry about you.
Well, whatever, nevermind