A whole collection from another forum. Need to sort the Affs from the wheat
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So a young couple have died and gone to heaven, and at the gates they meet saint Peter. He says, "Welcome to heaven, we've been expecting you, now before we let you up, is there anything we can do for you?"
The couple look at each other, and one of them asks, "Well one thing we always wanted to do but didn't get a chance to before we died, was to get married, could we get married before we go in?"
Saint Peter scratches his beard and says, "Well, we can, though it'll take a while to set things up, if you really want to do it, then you can wait here while I send an angel to sort it out. Just keep in mind that there's no "'til death do you part" business up here, it's forever."
The couple says they're alright with that, and ask him to do it. So Saint Peter trumpets up an angel, and sends him through the gates with directions to find a priest willing to marry them... They wait... and wait... and wait... and finally after two weeks the angle comes back with a smiling priest in stow. Saint Peter claps his hands and says, "Right then, are you ready to get married then?"
Now the couple had actually been getting a bit nervous about all of this while they were waiting, and so one of them asks, to try to set his mind at ease, "Well... we were wondering, since you said it's forever up here, if things didn't work out, would it really be forever? Could we get a divorce?"
Saint Peter is about to respond when the angel throws a hissy fit and says, "NO! Just NO! Look, you saw how long it took me to find a priest in there, do you have any idea how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"
Lately I've been reading a book about Anti-gravity...I can't put it down!
Old Communist Joke. In the 1970s, there was a rising and powerful Communist official, who wanted to show his aged mother how well he had done for himself. He showed her his nice modern house, but she said nothing. Then, he showed her his western car, a Ferrari, but still she said nothing. Finally, he toured her around the house, showing her his high standard of living, and STILL she said nothing. Finally, he cried out "Mother, what do you think of my house?!?" she said "It is very good Simon! But what will you do if the Communists come back?".
A Soviet man is standing in line waiting for some bread. Tired of the incredibly slow movement of the line, he begins loudly complaining about the system and the government.
Two plainclothes KGB agents come over and take him aside. "Listen comrade," they say, "in the old days we would have killed you immediately, but under Glasnost and Perestroika we must give you a warning. Please stop disrupting the line and go home."
The man dutifully returns home to his wife. "Why don't you have any bread!?" she asks. "It's terrible!" says the man. "The country has fallen apart; not only is there no food left, they have no bullets left either!"
A man was driving down the highway when he noticed a billboard advertising the 'Sisters of Saint Francis Brothel'. He tried to ignore it, but he found himself curious and was soon on the exit ramp, looking for the building. He soon found himself in front of what looked like a repurposed church marked with another sign.
He walks in the front door to find himself in front of a nun. "How may I help you?" she asks.
"I'd like to try some of your services."
The nun nods and points to another down by the altar. "Sister Susan will show you the way."
The man nods and heads to the altar, where Sister Susan is holding a basket. "One hundred dollars, please."
The man puts the money in the basket and the sister leads him to a door. He opens the door and the sister pushes him outside and closes it, locking him out. On the door is a sign that says "You have been screwed by the Sisters of Saint Francis. Now go to Hell, you dirty sinner!"
It's 22 C.E. and 3 disciples are enjoying lunch with Jesus Christ.
The first man remarks "Jesus, your bread is delicious, what kind of bread is it?"
Jesus gives a sage nod, and calmly replies, "That bread is made from my flesh, for all the hungry to eat."
The second disciple, helping himself to a goblet exclaims, "Jesus, this wine is beyond description, what vineyard is it from?!"
Jesus gives a small smile, and again proclaims, "That wine is made from my blood, for all the thirsty to drink."
The third disciple, having gorged himself the most of the group chokes out a reply through a mouthful, "Guys, you think that crap is good, wait until you try these Eclairs! The filling is orgasmic!"
A Chinese man, a Japanese man, a Cambodian, a Burmese man, a Malyasian man, and a Singaporian, all try to walk into a bar, but they're stopped by the bouncer who says, "I'm sorry guys but I can't let you in without a Thai."
A family buys a robot designed to slap anyone who tells a lie.
The father is concerned about his son going home late and decides to confront him about it.
Father "Son, why did you come home late?"
Son "Dad, it isn't late yet."
*SLAP*
Father "Son, you came home very late this night! What were you doing?"
Son "Watching a movie, dad."
Father "What kind of movie?"
Son "A comedy movie, dad."
*SLAP*
Father "Son, you really have to tell me the truth. What did you watch...?"
Son "...pornographic movie, dad."
...
Father "SON, IN MY DAY, I NEVER KNEW WHAT A PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE WAS, LET ALONE WATCH IT!"
*SLAP*
The mother enters the scene.
Mother "Stop it! What are you doing? What is this madness? Look at your son!"
*SLAP*
