Fresh from the Inbox

[Steve]

possibly an Affs but whatever

When you're seventy

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're seventy..............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?";
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you're seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.";
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.";
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?

[Barman]

possibly an Affs but whatever

When you're seventy

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're seventy..............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?";
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you're seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.";
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.";
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?

 

[The Moan Ranger]

A teacher asks what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'
The teacher walks to him and says "Why is that, Angus?"

[Barman]

A teacher asks what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'
The teacher walks to him and says "Why is that, Angus?"

[Steve]

A teacher asks what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'
The teacher walks to him and says "Why is that, Angus?"

[Steve]

And Count Dracula said it was 'O'

Is it time for my Count and paper tape story from 1975?  (I may have told it before)

[Barman]

And Count Dracula said it was 'O'

Is it time for my Count and paper tape story from 1975?  (I may have told it before)

 

[apc2010]

A teacher asks what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'
The teacher walks to him and says "Why is that, Angus?"

[Darwins Selection]

A teacher asks what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'
The teacher walks to him and says "Why is that, Angus?"

[Steve]

Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, a squaddie although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old oppos. So, he said to his new wife, a wrac
"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the pub, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wrac wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 20 different kinds of beer and lager, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Belgium, India, etc.
The Squaddie husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the pub...you know...they have special glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a special glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge box of glasses out, a glass for every lager.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the pub they have these snacks that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want snacks, Poochie?" She opened the pantry and took out 5 dishes of different snacks: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, crisps, pork scratchings.
"But my sweet honey...at the pub....you know there's man talk, swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?...LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN SPECIAL GLASS, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' SNACKS. BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED AND AINT GOING TO A F*CKIN' PUB! THAT SHIT IS OVER... GOT IT, YOU TWAT?"
...and they lived happily ever after.

[Barman]

Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, a squaddie although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old oppos. So, he said to his new wife, a wrac
"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the pub, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wrac wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 20 different kinds of beer and lager, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Belgium, India, etc.
The Squaddie husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the pub...you know...they have special glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a special glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge box of glasses out, a glass for every lager.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the pub they have these snacks that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want snacks, Poochie?" She opened the pantry and took out 5 dishes of different snacks: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, crisps, pork scratchings.
"But my sweet honey...at the pub....you know there's man talk, swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?...LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN SPECIAL GLASS, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' SNACKS. BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED AND AINT GOING TO A F*CKIN' PUB! THAT SHIT IS OVER... GOT IT, YOU TWAT?"
...and they lived happily ever after.

 

[Barman]

Here are six things that scare Brits SHITLESS more than terrorism.

RAIL REPLACEMENT BUSES – Nothing says ‘you’re all fucked’ more than turning up at your local station and seeing some clapped-out double-decker 1989 piece of shit waiting to whisk you to your destination via the arse end of nowhere because Network Rail decided that your local line wasn’t trainy enough this week.

CANCELLING CORONATION STREET / EASTENDERS – Nothing makes British people lose their shit like turning over to BBC One for Eastenders only to be presented with the FA Cup first round match between Pongleton Athletic and AFC Fuckknows from the 14th tier who might be up for a giantkilling. These same sad fucks are inconsolable when the Olympics are on, unaware that a magical and enchanting world exists outside of the latest edition of Take A Break.

WASPS – Bees serve a purpose in life with honey and pollination and shit, and so we tolerate them while they go about their business. On the other hand, their psychopathic cousin ‘the wasp’ has realised that it has fuck all purpose in life and so just goes around stinging everyone who looks at it funny. It’s the insect equivalent of that bloke in the Burberry hat in Wetherspoons who has eight Stellas and then wants to fight you because you stepped within ten feet of his ‘bird’ Shanelle.

SUMMER – As soon as we reach July and it is the ‘hottest summer since records began,’ we all raid Argos for 4ft pedestal fans in the misguided hope that it won’t just sit in the corner of your bedroom, circulating hot air and keeping you awake because it’s so … fucking … loud.

ELECTIONS – ‘Hey guys, just in case you hadn’t had enough fucking politics on an annual basis since 2014, here’s another steaming pile of politics for you.’ Fantastic! I was beginning to miss all of the Facebook memes telling me that Corbyn had a curry with Skeletor, eats live puppies and will kill us all with his weirdy-beardyness. Oh look, the Daily Mail managed to get a snapshot of Jezza pulling a face like he is shitting out a Westie Terrier sideways. Well done.

FACEBOOK MUMMY BUSINESSES – Of course it isn’t a pyramid scheme, it’s merely a multi-level marketing setup where the top layer is very, very narrow and it gets wider and wider as you move further and further down. How many cartons of horse piss do you need to shift this month to get a trip to Vegas and a Mercedes? Nice spelling as well. Fuck off.


 

[Steve]

 

[boogs]

 

[Steve]

BREXIT NEGOTIATIONS SO FAR

DAVID DAVIS:
We have a firm mandate for Brexit!

EU:
Ha. No you don't. Your government just lost its majority spectacularly, and you're having to deal with fringe hate groups even to cling to power. Your leader is a joke.

DAVID DAVIS:
We want to be able to control and vet our immigrants!

EU:
You already can. Germany have been monitoring all immigrants for years, it's just that previous Labour and Tory governments didn't want to spend the cash.

DAVID DAVIS:
We want to be able to make our own laws!

EU:
You already can, and do. That's why Germany have laws in place to protect citizens from things like cheap flammable building cladding, and Britain don't. As always, for you Tories, it's always just about money.

DAVID DAVIS:
OK. Well we want to do a deal with Germany. They're the only country that counts any way, and we really like their cars. Like Trump said, come on Germany? Let's do a deal?

GERMANY:
No. F**k off. We are part of the EU. We're wouldn't sell out the other states for you, even if we could. Which we can't. They're called rules for a reason.

DAVID DAVIS:
But Brit....

EU:
We warned you.

DAVID DAVIS:
Oh bugger. OK, well the absolute minimum will Britain will accept, is if we can arrange the new trade deals at the same time as arranging the divorce. Non-negotiable!

EU:
Nope. Not gonna happen. Never was. We've said that from the beginning. You've been feeding your citizens false promises and bullsh*t, and now you're gonna have to pay the piper.

DAVID DAVIS:
Sh*t.

      I best get me coat