Fresh from the Inbox

[Steve]

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh no please no, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

[Nick]

http://newsthump.com/2018/06/13/french-champagne-producers-announce-thousands-of-job-losses-in-wake-of-wetherspoons-plan-to-buy-british/

[Barman]

http://newsthump.com/2018/06/13/french-champagne-producers-announce-thousands-of-job-losses-in-wake-of-wetherspoons-plan-to-buy-british/

 

[Steve]

For 2 years a very wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

One with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

[Steve]

Breaking News:
It seems the ISIS suicide bomber in Syria who blew himself up in training had dandruff, they found his Head and Shoulders 200 metres away

[Barman]

Breaking News:
It seems the ISIS suicide bomber in Syria who blew himself up in training had dandruff, they found his Head and Shoulders 200 metres away

 

[Darwins Selection]

Breaking News:
It seems the ISIS suicide bomber in Syria who blew himself up in training had dandruff, they found his Head and Shoulders 200 metres away

 

[Just One More]

Breaking News:
It seems the ISIS suicide bomber in Syria who blew himself up in training had dandruff, they found his Head and Shoulders 200 metres away

 

[Steve]

maybe an Affs

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

[Barman]

maybe an Affs

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

 

[The Moan Ranger]

Bet Harry and Meghan's first daughter isn't called Mercedes.

[The Moan Ranger]

Dolphins are the only creatures that, apart from humans, enjoy having sex.

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.

[Barman]

Dolphins are the only creatures that, apart from humans, enjoy having sex.

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.

[Steve]

At the regular Saturday morning service the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F*ck him"

[Barman]

A man attending a funeral, asked the widow if he could say a word.

She said "yes".

He stood up and said "Plethora".

She said, "Thank you, that means a lot".