Fresh from the Inbox

[Barman]

My wife just phoned me all hysterical and said "The engine has flooded on the car, it wont start." I laughed and said "Don't worry darling, it's not the engine, it's the carburetor, it sounds like you have been pumping the accelerator on the car before trying to start it up, tell me where the car is and I will come and fix it."
 "In the lake behind Tesco's," she replied!

 

[Just One More]

The adult version of "Head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "Wallet, glasses, keys and phone"

[Nick]

 

[Just One More]

Me too    (it's a bloody good way of remembering though  )

[Barman]

The adult version of "Head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "Wallet, glasses, keys and phone"

 

[Steve]

Paddy is struggling to find  a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed, "If you open a parking space for me, I swear I will give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on a empty parking space.
Without hesitation, Paddy says,
"Never mind I found one."

[Steve]

A truck loaded with Vick Vapour Rub overturned on the motorway this morning.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

[Barman]

A truck loaded with Vick Vapour Rub overturned on the motorway this morning.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

 

[apc2010]

This morning I was asked by a group of teenagers outside Tescos if I would get them 20 Richmonds....


Stupidly I agreed and got them a packet.....



I handed them over and you should have heard the aggressive abuse!!!..



.So I told them next time get your own bleeding sausages......... !!!.........

[Barman]

This morning I was asked by a group of teenagers outside Tescos if I would get them 20 Richmonds....


Stupidly I agreed and got them a packet.....



I handed them over and you should have heard the aggressive abuse!!!..



.So I told them next time get your own bleeding sausages......... !!!.........

 

[Steve]

This morning I was asked by a group of teenagers outside Tescos if I would get them 20 Richmonds....


Stupidly I agreed and got them a packet.....



I handed them over and you should have heard the aggressive abuse!!!..



.So I told them next time get your own bleeding sausages......... !!!.........

 

[Steve]

Went to Bosworth battlefield today.
There’s a plaque in the ground there that says,
 "King Richard III fell here".

I’m not surprised. I nearly tripped over it myself.

[Barman]

Went to Bosworth battlefield today.
There’s a plaque in the ground there that says,
 "King Richard III fell here".

I’m not surprised. I nearly tripped over it myself.

 

[Darwins Selection]

Went to Bosworth battlefield today.
There’s a plaque in the ground there that says,
 "King Richard III fell here".

I’m not surprised. I nearly tripped over it myself.

 

[Steve]

Sometimes when you cry nobody sees your tears...

Sometimes when you're hurt nobody sees your pain...

Sometimes when you're sad nobody sees your sorrow...

BUT FART JUST ONE TIME.