Things you never hear a traffic police officer say
•"Actually, you're right, I do have something better to do."
•"Now I come to think of it, my radar gun is faulty."
•"You were driving at just about the correct speed."
•"Of course you can have a verbal caution rather than this ticket."
•"I say, we're frightfully busy with this accident, would you mind awfully,
if it's not too much trouble, going that way instead?"
•"You're quite right, mobile phones are handy, aren't they?"
•"Of course, you can borrow some equipment, take it from my car."
•"It doesn't matter that it's not a traffic assignment, let us help you out."
•"Of course I can park the car and get out every once in a while."
•"I'm too active, I can't sleep in the patrol car on nights."
A defence lawyer was cross-examining a police officer during a trial - it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several streets away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defence lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
Remember
- There are three types of people, those that make things happen, those that watch things happen and those that wondered what happened!
- If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty!!
Cut-Backs
I see MI5 got in on the act today, sharing with us the fact that they are actively investigating simply gazillions of terrorist cells plotting to murder each and every one of us in our beds. And if their budget is cut by so much as a tenner next year, we will all die.
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," Bond explains. "So what's it telling you now?" says the woman. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast
