Fresh from the Inbox

[Just One More]

I'm living next door to a muslim couple at the moment.  They have 3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back  yard, so I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!


Can you spare just £2.00?  Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye.  Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.  If you send us just £2.00, we will send you the video - it's hilarious.


I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.  All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick."  It's not yours is it?


I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.


Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind. I'm fuckin' worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?


There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.


In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa


One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Jocks and Scousers is not the correct answer 


George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."   


You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools


A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard
and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."


A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."

[Snoopy]

Have you considered changing your email address? 

[Barman]

Keep em coming JOM! 

[Miss Demeanour]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Aussie are having a drink in America.
“You know", says the Scotsman: "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth one for you."
"Well", says the Englishman: "at my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," says the Aussie: "Back home in Sydney there's Bruce's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Aussie's claims. But the Aussie swears every word is true.
"Well," says the Englishman: "has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me personally," says the Aussie: "But it did happen to my sister."

[Miss Demeanour]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another fellow and immediately notices that the guy has a very large disposable Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says: "Wow, cool lighter. Where did you get it?"
The second guy replies: "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?" the first guy asks.
"Sure," the second guy replies.
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish," says the genie.
The first guy says: "I want a million bucks!"
"Done," says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by, and suddenly the bar door swings open and thousands and thousands of ducks start pouring in.
"I can't believe this," says the first guy: "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy turns to him and says: "Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?"

[Miss Demeanour]

A pair of old drunks were lounging in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk: "What's your point?"
"Well," says the first: "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[Pirate]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Aussie are having a drink in America.
“You know", says the Scotsman: "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth one for you."
"Well", says the Englishman: "at my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," says the Aussie: "Back home in Sydney there's Bruce's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Aussie's claims. But the Aussie swears every word is true.
"Well," says the Englishman: "has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me personally," says the Aussie: "But it did happen to my sister."

 

[Barman]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Aussie are having a drink in America.
“You know", says the Scotsman: "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth one for you."
"Well", says the Englishman: "at my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," says the Aussie: "Back home in Sydney there's Bruce's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Aussie's claims. But the Aussie swears every word is true.
"Well," says the Englishman: "has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me personally," says the Aussie: "But it did happen to my sister."

 

That was the best one! 

[Pirate]

True story from Miss D perhaps...

 

[Miss Demeanour]

Never been to Australia .......yet 

[Pirate]

What about down under?

[Snoopy]

Never been to Australia .......yet 



But am now saving furiously

I've changed it for you.

[Miss Demeanour]

What about down under?

Don't know what you mean 

[Pastis]

Never been to Australia .......yet 

I still have a vacancy for an assistant 

[Miss Demeanour]

Ooooooooh I can assist very well