Fresh from the Inbox

[Just One More]

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes









HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

[Just One More]

A few more Aussie ones

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

Whets the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: You lads can bat.
Just as quick, Ponting replied: No, we cant. We really cant.

Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.

What's the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
He forgot it was chained to his foot.

What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Australian innings.

Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.

What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A bat.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.

Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?
Because they cant spell beer.

Why cant Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?
They eat all the grass.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record.
He replied: I didn't know it was still necessary.

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.       

[Baldy]

I was working late in the Carphone Warehouse last night when i received this text message from my girlfriend:

 

Babe,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonewhenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative

 

As I eagerly rushed home I couldn't help but wonder...what does ternative mean?

[Baldy]

Dear God,
My resolution for 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body.

Please don't get the two mixed up like you did last year.

[Just One More]

I was working late in the Carphone Warehouse last night when i received this text message from my girlfriend:

 

Babe,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonewhenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative

 

As I eagerly rushed home I couldn't help but wonder...what does ternative mean?

 

[Barman]

 

[Baldy]

I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse.

Do you think I should change my dentist?

[Tipsy Gipsy]

Wife helping husband set up computer. 

For the password, hubby types MYPENIS -

wife fell off chair laughing when pc replied



PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

[Nick]

 

[Barman]

 

[apc2010]

Two Irish hunters from Dublin hired a pilot to fly them to England to hunt Deer. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three Deer.



The two Paddys objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six Deer and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."



Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.



Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck, Pat asked Shaun, "Any idea where we are?"



Shaun replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Barman]

 

[The Moan Ranger]

Got a d.v.d. From my mate ,  called Bald and barely legal, What a disappointment, when i put it on,  it was a tyre safety video !!

[apc2010]

Got a d.v.d. From my mate ,  called Bald and barely legal, What a disappointment, when i put it on,  it was a tyre safety video !!

Same thing happened to me read a report on Schinndler's list that said "get the tissues ready" had my trousers down and ..................................


 (well except the shower scene )...nothing

[Barman]