My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?
Oooohh... Is it time for my penguin joke? 
Go on then .... since there's only the two of us here but be quick.
A penguin is driving thru Nevada. His car breaks down in a small town off the highway. The Penguin stops in at a body shop.
Mechanic " well it's going to take an hour for me to figure out the problem, take a look around the town and come back in about an hour"
Penguin " Ok"
He walks around the town, and notices it is real blistering hot out. Walking along he discovers and ice cream shop. He stops in and orders a large bowl of vanilla ice cream. His flippers are unable to hold the fork, so he just starts shoveling ice cream into his mouth. He makes an enormous mess.
He heads back to the body shop and the mechanic turns to him and says
" looks like you blew a seal"
Penguin " NO it's just ice cream" !
