Fresh from the Inbox

[Steve]

 

[Just One More]

 

[Barman]

I just explained Google images to my mum.......

'Pick anything to search for', I said. She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'.

'Except that.' I said.......

[Barman]

Downton Abbey - "Aplomb"


 
 
His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
 
 "May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
 
 "Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship.
 
 "I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."
 

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
 
"Aplomb," My Lord.
 
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
 
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."
 
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
 
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
 
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
 
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs. 
 
"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply." 
 
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
 
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
 
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
 
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."

 

[Steve]

I just explained Google images to my mum.......

'Pick anything to search for', I said. She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'.

'Except that.' I said.......

[Baldy]

That's What Mates Are For


A man invites his mate back home for dinner.
The wife screams at him: "I haven't done my hair, I haven't done my make-up,
I haven't done any housework, I haven't done the dishes, & I can't be bothered cooking!

 What the f--k did you invite him round for?"

Husband…"’Cos he's thinking of getting married!"

[Barman]

 

[apc2010]

 

[Just One More]

      

[Barman]

When I first read it I thought "That's What Mates Are For" referred to the previous post about cream pies.... 

[Just One More]

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my fucking eye out

[Baldy]

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my fucking eye out

 

[Barman]

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my fucking eye out

 

[apc2010]

The worst letter I ever wrote...

"Dear Jim, Please can you fix it for me to go on It's a knockout."........

[Steve]

The worst letter I ever wrote...

"Dear Jim, Please can you fix it for me to go on It's a knockout."........