Fresh from the Inbox

[boogs]

Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as two Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos

 

 

[Steve]

Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as two Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos

 

 

[Barman]

Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as two Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos

 

 

[Baldy]

David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.

 

After about 5 minutes the driver says, "OK give me a clue?"

 

Beckham says, "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough?"

 

Driver replies, "No you thick twat, where do you want to go?"

[boogs]

David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.

 

After about 5 minutes the driver says, "OK give me a clue?"

 

Beckham says, "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough?"

 

Driver replies, "No you thick twat, where do you want to go?"

 

[Barman]

David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.

 

After about 5 minutes the driver says, "OK give me a clue?"

 

Beckham says, "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough?"

 

Driver replies, "No you thick twat, where do you want to go?"

 

[boogs]

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.
That night we had the most amazing lovein ever....
Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before...
 

[apc2010]

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.
That night we had the most amazing lovein ever....
Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before...

 

[boogs]

Mars Bar Method

 

 

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie” with their 8 -year old son in the flat
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to  report on all the street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;


‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.

‘An ambulance just drove past’

‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.

‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’

‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’

‘Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced,
‘The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’



‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.
 

 

[boogs]

 
 


Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er .. mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ...... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

 



Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker
 


 

 





 

 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 
 
 
 

[apc2010]

Mars Bar Method

 

 

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie” with their 8 -year old son in the flat
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to  report on all the street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;


‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.

‘An ambulance just drove past’

‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.

‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’

‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’

‘Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced,
‘The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’



‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.

 

[boogs]

 

 

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector;   all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".


"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the
"Government"

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 



 



 

 

[boogs]

How old are your eyes?
 
The Eye Test
 
Can you find the B's (there are 2 B's) 
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Once you've found the B's
Find the 1
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII1III
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Once you found the 1 Find the 6

9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999699999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999
Once you've found the 6... Find the N (it's hard!!)
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
Once you've found the N... Find the Q..

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOQOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


I have to admit to struggling with the 6 but it is late 

[Grumpmeister]

The Daily Mail hates me 

http://toys.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-daily-mail/

[Barman]

The Daily Mail hates me 

http://toys.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-daily-mail/

AFFS