Fresh from the Inbox

[Steve]

The Manchester United manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football.
He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later United are 2-0 down with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for them.
The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3.
They call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me."
"Just wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street,
your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing
police vehicle, and your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings.
But its OK because you’re having a great time!!"
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, I'm really sorry."

"Sorry..!!! Sorry...!!!" says his mum.
"It's your bloody fault we came to Manchester in the first place!'

[Steve]

While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.
A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak.
"Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."

[Barman]

The Manchester United manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football.
He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later United are 2-0 down with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for them.
The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3.
They call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me."
"Just wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street,
your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing
police vehicle, and your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings.
But its OK because you’re having a great time!!"
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, I'm really sorry."

"Sorry..!!! Sorry...!!!" says his mum.
"It's your bloody fault we came to Manchester in the first place!'

 

[Nick]

Please help.... my friend's gran and her friend Pauline been missing since Monday. Both vulnerable...

[Steve]

Please help.... my friend's gran and her friend Pauline been missing since Monday. Both vulnerable...

[Steve]

When I see lovers names carved in a tree trunk, I don't really think its cute but actually kind of disturbing how many people would bring knives with them on a date..

[Uncle Mort]

When I see lovers names carved in a tree trunk, I don't really think its cute but actually kind of disturbing how many people would bring knives with them on a date..

 

[Barman]

When I see lovers names carved in a tree trunk, I don't really think its cute but actually kind of disturbing how many people would bring knives with them on a date..

 

[Steve]

"I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what? "At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

[Barman]

"I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what? "At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

 

[Nick]

https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowUserReviews-g187069-d2621716-r520995148-Woodhouse_Gardens-Manchester_Greater_Manchester_England.html#review520995148

[Barman]

https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowUserReviews-g187069-d2621716-r520995148-Woodhouse_Gardens-Manchester_Greater_Manchester_England.html#review520995148

[Uncle Mort]

https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowUserReviews-g187069-d2621716-r520995148-Woodhouse_Gardens-Manchester_Greater_Manchester_England.html#review520995148

 

[Steve]

https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowUserReviews-g187069-d2621716-r520995148-Woodhouse_Gardens-Manchester_Greater_Manchester_England.html#review520995148

 

[Darwins Selection]

"Our Souls" - Bloody speech to text software.