Fresh from the Inbox

[Steve]

(Affs?  search engine says not)

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.
The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.
The woman replied: "They’re not crazy about it in Iceland either.

[Barman]

(Affs?  search engine says not)

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.
The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.
The woman replied: "They’re not crazy about it in Iceland either.

 

[Darwins Selection]

(Affs?  search engine says not)

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.
The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.
The woman replied: "They’re not crazy about it in Iceland either.

 

[Just One More]

(Affs?  search engine says not)

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.
The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.
The woman replied: "They’re not crazy about it in Iceland either.

 

[Nick]

I thought the folks in Iceland were pretty free thinking. The Boy went there on a geography field trip and seemed to like it 

[apc2010]

I thought the folks in Iceland were pretty free thinking. The Boy went there on a geography field trip and seemed to like it 

And That Katona bird too.....

[apc2010]

SON...Why is my sister Teresa named Teresa??????????



DAD..Because your mum loves easter ..and Teresa in an anagram of Easter ....


SON..Thanks Dad ......



DAD..No problem Alan ...............

[Barman]

SON...Why is my sister Teresa named Teresa??????????



DAD..Because your mum loves easter ..and Teresa in an anagram of Easter ....


SON..Thanks Dad ......



DAD..No problem Alan ...............

AFFS! 

[Steve]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 calibre colt 1911, with a seven round magazine with one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife?"
A voice from the back of the room called out.
"You need more ammo."

[Barman]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 calibre colt 1911, with a seven round magazine with one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife?"
A voice from the back of the room called out.
"You need more ammo."

 

[Steve]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..

Many years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle!!!

[Steve]

A bloke parachutes out of a plane at 15000ft. As he pulls the ripcord - nothing happens!!
He’s panic stricken as he hurtles towards the ground!!
Just then, he sees a man flying up towards him in the opposite direction.
As the man coming up passes him the bloke with the parachute shouts “Help please help me.....do you know anything about parachutes ???”
The man replies “No I don’t ...Do you know anything about gas cookers?"

[Steve]

Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole,” Dave said, “Puke on him.”
“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you on the spot.”
“Well, screw him!”, said Dave.
“I did." said his wife, "You’re back at work on Monday."

[apc2010]

My mate with a stutter was telling me about his Nana.........




I thought he was singing ..Hey Jude ........

[Nick]