Fresh from the Inbox

[apc2010]

For Sale: 66.4 Million Broadband Routers.
New , Still Boxed, First To See Will Buy!
£1,000,000,000 ... No Offers!


 

[Barman]

For Sale: 66.4 Million Broadband Routers.
New , Still Boxed, First To See Will Buy!
£1,000,000,000 ... No Offers!


 

[Steve]

I guess I'm slow(er) today, not seeing the joke 

[Just One More]

I guess I'm slow(er) today, not seeing the joke 

Contact jeremy or Diane for further details 

[Steve]

I guess I'm slow(er) today, not seeing the joke 

Contact jeremy or Diane for further details 

Thanks 

 

[Steve]

A woman wakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" She whispers as she steps into the room, why
are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
I would have got out today.

[apc2010]

Two Irish men are sitting down in a pub. They notice a man walk in with an amazing suit on. They both start talking about what job he has. So one of the Irishmen goes over and asks what job he has.

Irishman-"Excuse me mate, that's a lovely suit you've got there, could I ask you what job you have, me and my mate are curious"

Doctor-" yes, I'm a doctor of logic"

Irishman-"what's a doctor of logic"

Doctor-"well let me explain to you. Do you have any goldfish?"

Irishman-"why yes I do actually, I have 6"

Doctor-"well logic tells me you have a pond"

Irishman-"that's right, I do have a pond"

Doctor-"now logic tells me you have a big garden because of that pond"

Irishman-" that's correct"

Doctor-"next I can assume that you have a big house with either 4 or 5 bedrooms"

Irishman-"wow, I have a 5 bedroom house"

Doctor-"now, logic tells me that you have 3 or 4 kids"

Irishman-"I have 4 beautiful children, this is amazing"

Doctor-"from this I can tell that your wife is very good in bed and satisfies your needs"

Irishman-"yeah, she's like no other women I've ever been with"

Doctor-" well logic tells me that you don't wank because of how good your wife is in bed"

Irishman-" wow this is unbelievable you're right"

Doctor-" see from asking if you had goldfish I was able to work out that you don't wank, because of logic"

The Irishman goes back to his mate who asks what his job was.

Irishman-" he's a doctor of logic"

Irishman's friend "what on earth is that"

Irishman-" let me explain. Do you own any goldfish?"

Irishman's friend-"no, I don't own any"

Irishman-"well, you're a wanker"...........

[Steve]

It's screaming Affs but 

[apc2010]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.....



Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable............


 
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.......
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead..........





.
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..........
How soon before I can go home..............??

[apc2010]

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun......
.
A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by the doctor.
"The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister." "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.........






"No" says the doctor "She's a flute player! She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!".........

[Steve]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.....



Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable............


 
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.......
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead..........





.
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..........
How soon before I can go home..............??

[Barman]

^^^ All AFFtastic!  ^^^

[Just One More]

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun......
.
A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by the doctor.
"The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister." "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.........






"No" says the doctor "She's a flute player! She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!".........

    

[Steve]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend seminar, Ken and his wife, Daphne, listened to the speaker declare:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".

He then addressed the men: "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Ken leaned over, touched Daphne's arm gently, and whispered, “It's Homepride, isn't it ?"

And so began Ken's life of celibacy!

[Barman]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend seminar, Ken and his wife, Daphne, listened to the speaker declare:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".

He then addressed the men: "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Ken leaned over, touched Daphne's arm gently, and whispered, “It's Homepride, isn't it ?"

And so began Ken's life of celibacy!