Fresh from the Inbox

[Steve]

(variant of an old joke)

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[Barman]

(variant of an old joke)

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

[Just One More]

(variant of an old joke)

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

[Steve]

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just have you or your wife say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."
Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His manhood becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.
His wife was amazed, but asked what did you say "one, two, three, for?

[apc2010]

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just have you or your wife say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."
Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His manhood becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.
His wife was amazed, but asked what did you say "one, two, three, for?

 

[Barman]

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just have you or your wife say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."
Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His manhood becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.
His wife was amazed, but asked what did you say "one, two, three, for?

 

 

[Just One More]

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just have you or your wife say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."
Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His manhood becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.
His wife was amazed, but asked what did you say "one, two, three, for?

 

 

[Steve]

A few month ago I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.
Should’ve read the terms and conditions.
My bad.

[Nick]

A man and his wife are dining out for the evening for a multi-course meal in an expensive Italian restaurant.

The lights are low, the tables are lit by candle, the air is punctuated with the smell of fresh pizza dough, herbs and spices. They hear romantic music piano music gently played in the background. It’s a truly remarkable evening.

Towards the end of the meal, the man walks over to the piano player to compliment him on his beautiful song choice.

Man: “The song you were just playing, what is it called?”

Piano Player: “Bitches and Hoes ain’t Shit”

Man: “and the song before that?”

Piano Player: “My Daddy ain’t no Motherfucker, no more”

Man: “and the first song you played”

Piano Player: “Let me stroke your wet spot, baby”

By now, the man is incredulous, his British flabber is well and truly ghasted.

Man: “but, but … these songs, they are so beautiful and yet they have such crude and filthy names, why?”

Piano Player: “well, they are all of my own composition and they are instrumental only, no lyrics”. “It’s just a bit or fun really, no one ever asks what they’re called.”

Man: “I see, I see”. “Well, I came over to congratulate you in the first instance for your contribution to such a wonderfully enjoyable evening for my wife and I.”

“Secondly, I was planning to invite you to play at our mansion next Friday for an important dinner party we are hosting … but now that I know what your songs are titled … I’m not so sure that’s such a good idea”

Piano Player: “Thank you for the compliment, and I am available to play next Friday if you wish.”

Man: “Well, you may play, but on the strict condition that you do not reveal those horrendously crude song names to any of our guests.”

Piano Player: “Agreed”

Next Friday rolls around and the door bell ring at 7:25pm for a 7:30pm dinner invitation. Stood at the door is a dishevelled looking piano player all hurried and bothered. The man answers the door.

Man: “Where have you been?” “The party starts in 5 minutes, our guests will be arriving any minute now!”

Piano Player: “I’m sorry, the bus was late. Then there was traffic. I got here as fast as I could.”

Man: “Come in, Come in. Hurry yourself up”.

Piano Player: ”May I first use your restroom to freshen up and have a wank.”

Man: “Yes, sure it’s up the stairs first on the … wait!” “What was that last part?”

Piano Player: “Have a wank, y’know beat the meat. Flog the dolphin. Stroke the salami.”. “It relaxes me”

Man: “Yes, Yes, bathroom is up the stairs, first on the left.” “Please do hurry, our guests will be here any minute now.”

The piano player runs up the stairs locks the bathroom door and furiously attends to his business.

5 minutes later, the bathroom door opens and a relaxed, perfectly presented and coiffured piano player presents himself at the top of the stairs.

The man is stood at the bottom of the stairs patiently awaiting his appearance.

As the Piano player descends the stairs, the man notices:

Man: “My god man, don’t you know your zip is down, your cock’s hanging out and there’s spunk all over your trousers?”

Piano Player: “Know it? I fucking WROTE IT!”

[Barman]

A few month ago I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.
Should’ve read the terms and conditions.
My bad.

 

[apc2010]

A few month ago I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.
Should’ve read the terms and conditions.
My bad.

 

[Barman]

A man and his wife are dining out for the evening for a multi-course meal in an expensive Italian restaurant.

The lights are low, the tables are lit by candle, the air is punctuated with the smell of fresh pizza dough, herbs and spices. They hear romantic music piano music gently played in the background. It’s a truly remarkable evening.

Towards the end of the meal, the man walks over to the piano player to compliment him on his beautiful song choice.

Man: “The song you were just playing, what is it called?”

Piano Player: “Bitches and Hoes ain’t Shit”

Man: “and the song before that?”

Piano Player: “My Daddy ain’t no Motherfucker, no more”

Man: “and the first song you played”

Piano Player: “Let me stroke your wet spot, baby”

By now, the man is incredulous, his British flabber is well and truly ghasted.

Man: “but, but … these songs, they are so beautiful and yet they have such crude and filthy names, why?”

Piano Player: “well, they are all of my own composition and they are instrumental only, no lyrics”. “It’s just a bit or fun really, no one ever asks what they’re called.”

Man: “I see, I see”. “Well, I came over to congratulate you in the first instance for your contribution to such a wonderfully enjoyable evening for my wife and I.”

“Secondly, I was planning to invite you to play at our mansion next Friday for an important dinner party we are hosting … but now that I know what your songs are titled … I’m not so sure that’s such a good idea”

Piano Player: “Thank you for the compliment, and I am available to play next Friday if you wish.”

Man: “Well, you may play, but on the strict condition that you do not reveal those horrendously crude song names to any of our guests.”

Piano Player: “Agreed”

Next Friday rolls around and the door bell ring at 7:25pm for a 7:30pm dinner invitation. Stood at the door is a dishevelled looking piano player all hurried and bothered. The man answers the door.

Man: “Where have you been?” “The party starts in 5 minutes, our guests will be arriving any minute now!”

Piano Player: “I’m sorry, the bus was late. Then there was traffic. I got here as fast as I could.”

Man: “Come in, Come in. Hurry yourself up”.

Piano Player: ”May I first use your restroom to freshen up and have a wank.”

Man: “Yes, sure it’s up the stairs first on the … wait!” “What was that last part?”

Piano Player: “Have a wank, y’know beat the meat. Flog the dolphin. Stroke the salami.”. “It relaxes me”

Man: “Yes, Yes, bathroom is up the stairs, first on the left.” “Please do hurry, our guests will be here any minute now.”

The piano player runs up the stairs locks the bathroom door and furiously attends to his business.

5 minutes later, the bathroom door opens and a relaxed, perfectly presented and coiffured piano player presents himself at the top of the stairs.

The man is stood at the bottom of the stairs patiently awaiting his appearance.

As the Piano player descends the stairs, the man notices:

Man: “My god man, don’t you know your zip is down, your cock’s hanging out and there’s spunk all over your trousers?”

Piano Player: “Know it? I fucking WROTE IT!”

AFFS!

https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=16.msg17#msg17

[Nick]

 

[Steve]

A man and his wife are dining out for the evening for a multi-course meal in an expensive Italian restaurant.

The lights are low, the tables are lit by candle, the air is punctuated with the smell of fresh pizza dough, herbs and spices. They hear romantic music piano music gently played in the background. It’s a truly remarkable evening.

Towards the end of the meal, the man walks over to the piano player to compliment him on his beautiful song choice.

Man: “The song you were just playing, what is it called?”

Piano Player: “Bitches and Hoes ain’t Shit”

Man: “and the song before that?”

Piano Player: “My Daddy ain’t no Motherfucker, no more”

Man: “and the first song you played”

Piano Player: “Let me stroke your wet spot, baby”

By now, the man is incredulous, his British flabber is well and truly ghasted.

Man: “but, but … these songs, they are so beautiful and yet they have such crude and filthy names, why?”

Piano Player: “well, they are all of my own composition and they are instrumental only, no lyrics”. “It’s just a bit or fun really, no one ever asks what they’re called.”

Man: “I see, I see”. “Well, I came over to congratulate you in the first instance for your contribution to such a wonderfully enjoyable evening for my wife and I.”

“Secondly, I was planning to invite you to play at our mansion next Friday for an important dinner party we are hosting … but now that I know what your songs are titled … I’m not so sure that’s such a good idea”

Piano Player: “Thank you for the compliment, and I am available to play next Friday if you wish.”

Man: “Well, you may play, but on the strict condition that you do not reveal those horrendously crude song names to any of our guests.”

Piano Player: “Agreed”

Next Friday rolls around and the door bell ring at 7:25pm for a 7:30pm dinner invitation. Stood at the door is a dishevelled looking piano player all hurried and bothered. The man answers the door.

Man: “Where have you been?” “The party starts in 5 minutes, our guests will be arriving any minute now!”

Piano Player: “I’m sorry, the bus was late. Then there was traffic. I got here as fast as I could.”

Man: “Come in, Come in. Hurry yourself up”.

Piano Player: ”May I first use your restroom to freshen up and have a wank.”

Man: “Yes, sure it’s up the stairs first on the … wait!” “What was that last part?”

Piano Player: “Have a wank, y’know beat the meat. Flog the dolphin. Stroke the salami.”. “It relaxes me”

Man: “Yes, Yes, bathroom is up the stairs, first on the left.” “Please do hurry, our guests will be here any minute now.”

The piano player runs up the stairs locks the bathroom door and furiously attends to his business.

5 minutes later, the bathroom door opens and a relaxed, perfectly presented and coiffured piano player presents himself at the top of the stairs.

The man is stood at the bottom of the stairs patiently awaiting his appearance.

As the Piano player descends the stairs, the man notices:

Man: “My god man, don’t you know your zip is down, your cock’s hanging out and there’s spunk all over your trousers?”

Piano Player: “Know it? I fucking WROTE IT!”

  (an Affs methinks but a classic)

[Barman]

A man and his wife are dining out for the evening for a multi-course meal in an expensive Italian restaurant.

The lights are low, the tables are lit by candle, the air is punctuated with the smell of fresh pizza dough, herbs and spices. They hear romantic music piano music gently played in the background. It’s a truly remarkable evening.

Towards the end of the meal, the man walks over to the piano player to compliment him on his beautiful song choice.

Man: “The song you were just playing, what is it called?”

Piano Player: “Bitches and Hoes ain’t Shit”

Man: “and the song before that?”

Piano Player: “My Daddy ain’t no Motherfucker, no more”

Man: “and the first song you played”

Piano Player: “Let me stroke your wet spot, baby”

By now, the man is incredulous, his British flabber is well and truly ghasted.

Man: “but, but … these songs, they are so beautiful and yet they have such crude and filthy names, why?”

Piano Player: “well, they are all of my own composition and they are instrumental only, no lyrics”. “It’s just a bit or fun really, no one ever asks what they’re called.”

Man: “I see, I see”. “Well, I came over to congratulate you in the first instance for your contribution to such a wonderfully enjoyable evening for my wife and I.”

“Secondly, I was planning to invite you to play at our mansion next Friday for an important dinner party we are hosting … but now that I know what your songs are titled … I’m not so sure that’s such a good idea”

Piano Player: “Thank you for the compliment, and I am available to play next Friday if you wish.”

Man: “Well, you may play, but on the strict condition that you do not reveal those horrendously crude song names to any of our guests.”

Piano Player: “Agreed”

Next Friday rolls around and the door bell ring at 7:25pm for a 7:30pm dinner invitation. Stood at the door is a dishevelled looking piano player all hurried and bothered. The man answers the door.

Man: “Where have you been?” “The party starts in 5 minutes, our guests will be arriving any minute now!”

Piano Player: “I’m sorry, the bus was late. Then there was traffic. I got here as fast as I could.”

Man: “Come in, Come in. Hurry yourself up”.

Piano Player: ”May I first use your restroom to freshen up and have a wank.”

Man: “Yes, sure it’s up the stairs first on the … wait!” “What was that last part?”

Piano Player: “Have a wank, y’know beat the meat. Flog the dolphin. Stroke the salami.”. “It relaxes me”

Man: “Yes, Yes, bathroom is up the stairs, first on the left.” “Please do hurry, our guests will be here any minute now.”

The piano player runs up the stairs locks the bathroom door and furiously attends to his business.

5 minutes later, the bathroom door opens and a relaxed, perfectly presented and coiffured piano player presents himself at the top of the stairs.

The man is stood at the bottom of the stairs patiently awaiting his appearance.

As the Piano player descends the stairs, the man notices:

Man: “My god man, don’t you know your zip is down, your cock’s hanging out and there’s spunk all over your trousers?”

Piano Player: “Know it? I fucking WROTE IT!”

  (an Affs methinks but a classic)

AFFS!