Fresh from the Inbox

[Barman]

What's worse than a bull in a china shop?

A hedgehog in a condom factory.

 

[apc2010]

Just think of all the additional domestos abuse vulnerable people could be suffering as a result of ill thought advice from the most powerful man in the world.........

[Steve]

A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.

One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony.

After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money.

Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money.

The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said:
"I fucked her too."

[Barman]

A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.

One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony.

After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money.

Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money.

The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said:
"I fucked her too."

[Steve]

The Royal Collage Of Veterinary Surgeons has today issued this statement;
Should Veterinary Surgeons get called up to aid the NHS with the Coronavirus crisis, we are sure our esteemed profession will come to heel immediately, seizing their new roles like the proverbial dog with a pet-safe chew toy.
However, we do have a few words of advice;
Although PPE is in short supply, arm length gloves will NOT be required. Patients have enough to worry about without seeing farm vets in their usual gear. This is also true of calving jacks and ropes, should you be seconded to the maternity units.
Instructions have been given to all staff and patients to refrain from touching their faces. Remarkably, the humble buster collar hasn’t yet been utilised but if it is, we are advising that rapid deployment of Veterinary Nurses will be required to construct and fit the bl**dy things.
Please remember where the thermometer goes (and does NOT go) in humans.
We are advising your medical colleagues to try to remember to not request that you ‘put a patient to sleep’. However, if this does happen, PUT THE SYRINGE DOWN.
If you are asked to take a blood sample, remember that the patient does not need to be restrained by being nestled in your chest (no matter how much they might like it). Nor are you likely to be required to wrap them up in a towel or place a muzzle. However, if you are stationed in paediatrics, your handling skills may actually come in extremely useful.
It is important to put patients at their ease in the hospital.
Although it possibly isn’t standard practice in the human field, do continue to compliment your patients on their shiny hair/excellent teeth/ideal body condition as appropriate. Calling them a ‘good boy/girl’ will hopefully be taken in the spirit it is intended but ear tickling or a vigorous bottom rub may be considered a little too much. It is unlikely they will want to lick your face but if they do, it is in any case not permissible under the current hygiene restrictions and should be discouraged.
We hope you find this advice is helpful as you transition from hairy, four legged patients who can’t speak, to slightly less hairy but more chatty ones.

[Barman]

The Royal Collage Of Veterinary Surgeons has today issued this statement;
Should Veterinary Surgeons get called up to aid the NHS with the Coronavirus crisis, we are sure our esteemed profession will come to heel immediately, seizing their new roles like the proverbial dog with a pet-safe chew toy.
However, we do have a few words of advice;
Although PPE is in short supply, arm length gloves will NOT be required. Patients have enough to worry about without seeing farm vets in their usual gear. This is also true of calving jacks and ropes, should you be seconded to the maternity units.
Instructions have been given to all staff and patients to refrain from touching their faces. Remarkably, the humble buster collar hasn’t yet been utilised but if it is, we are advising that rapid deployment of Veterinary Nurses will be required to construct and fit the bl**dy things.
Please remember where the thermometer goes (and does NOT go) in humans.
We are advising your medical colleagues to try to remember to not request that you ‘put a patient to sleep’. However, if this does happen, PUT THE SYRINGE DOWN.
If you are asked to take a blood sample, remember that the patient does not need to be restrained by being nestled in your chest (no matter how much they might like it). Nor are you likely to be required to wrap them up in a towel or place a muzzle. However, if you are stationed in paediatrics, your handling skills may actually come in extremely useful.
It is important to put patients at their ease in the hospital.
Although it possibly isn’t standard practice in the human field, do continue to compliment your patients on their shiny hair/excellent teeth/ideal body condition as appropriate. Calling them a ‘good boy/girl’ will hopefully be taken in the spirit it is intended but ear tickling or a vigorous bottom rub may be considered a little too much. It is unlikely they will want to lick your face but if they do, it is in any case not permissible under the current hygiene restrictions and should be discouraged.
We hope you find this advice is helpful as you transition from hairy, four legged patients who can’t speak, to slightly less hairy but more chatty ones.

 

[apc2010]

https://www.facebook.com/ItsAlonzo/videos/821932738302291/?t=27

 

[Steve]

A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a pig lying dead in the road. He contacts the police to inform them of his find.
A cocky desk sergeant laughed and said "Did you give it the last rites."
"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".

[Barman]

A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a pig lying dead in the road. He contacts the police to inform them of his find.
A cocky desk sergeant laughed and said "Did you give it the last rites."
"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".

 

[Barman]

TOOLS EXPLAINED for this who want to know

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

BASTARD TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Bastard' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[Steve]

TOOLS EXPLAINED for this who want to know

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

BASTARD TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Bastard' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

and 

[Just One More]

TOOLS EXPLAINED for this who want to know

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

BASTARD TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Bastard' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

and 

and

[Nick]

See also: microwave 

[Steve]

Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed,

which is mad, because those places are really well lit.

[Barman]

Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed,

which is mad, because those places are really well lit.