Fresh from the Inbox

[Darwins Selection]

My next door neighbour told me to try Horse Manure on my Rhubarb..........




Tasted f55king horrible, I still prefer Custard............

© Tommy Cooper 1957
 

[Steve]

prolly an Affs but

When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.'
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.
When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of Beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.

[Steve]

A man is asking a farmer about his two cows.

Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: She eats grass.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: She eats grass, too.
Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?
Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.
Man: Oh, and the black one?
Farmer: It’s mine, too.

[apc2010]

A man is asking a farmer about his two cows.

Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: She eats grass.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: She eats grass, too.
Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?
Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.
Man: Oh, and the black one?
Farmer: It’s mine, too.

 

[Just One More]

prolly an Affs but

When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.'
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.
When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of Beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.

 

[Barman]

A man is asking a farmer about his two cows.

Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: She eats grass.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: She eats grass, too.
Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?
Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.
Man: Oh, and the black one?
Farmer: It’s mine, too.

[Darwins Selection]

A man is asking a farmer about his two cows.

Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: She eats grass.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: She eats grass, too.
Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?
Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.
Man: Oh, and the black one?
Farmer: It’s mine, too.

[Steve]

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. But he was born with no ears.
Johnny and his mom went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or else he would get a spanking.
Johnny looked at the baby and said, "my, what a lovely baby, beautiful feet, hands and skin. How is his eyesight?"
The baby's mom said it was perfect.
Johnny replied, "that's good because he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses."

[Just One More]

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. But he was born with no ears.
Johnny and his mom went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or else he would get a spanking.
Johnny looked at the baby and said, "my, what a lovely baby, beautiful feet, hands and skin. How is his eyesight?"
The baby's mom said it was perfect.
Johnny replied, "that's good because he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses."

    

[Barman]

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. But he was born with no ears.
Johnny and his mom went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or else he would get a spanking.
Johnny looked at the baby and said, "my, what a lovely baby, beautiful feet, hands and skin. How is his eyesight?"
The baby's mom said it was perfect.
Johnny replied, "that's good because he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses."

    

[Steve]

Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack and went up to the lake district,
walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I..........

Sorry, i'm rambling.

[apc2010]

Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack and went up to the lake district,
walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I..........

Sorry, i'm rambling.

 

[Barman]

Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack and went up to the lake district,
walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I..........

Sorry, i'm rambling.

 

 

[Darwins Selection]

Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack and went up to the lake district,
walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I..........

Sorry, i'm rambling.

 

 

[apc2010]

An ugly bird came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?"


I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else".....




She said,"When i die i'm gonna come back as a dog!" ............



I said,"You're not fuckin listening love!......