Fresh from the Inbox

[Barman]

What is it with some people?

You offer a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

 

[apc2010]

I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger. As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating." I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out...........


Knocking some poor c£$t off his motorbike.........

[Steve]

I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger. As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating." I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out...........


Knocking some poor c£$t off his motorbike.........

 

[Barman]

I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger. As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating." I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out...........


Knocking some poor c£$t off his motorbike.........

[Just One More]

I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger. As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating." I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out...........


Knocking some poor c£$t off his motorbike.........

 

 

[apc2010]

My mate had builders in doing an extension and his five year old daughter decided to help. The builders gave her little jobs to do to make her feel part of the team.
At the end of the week she was presented with her 'wage packet', which consisted of £2 in small change. Her father took her to the bank to open an account with the money and she duly handed it over to the cashier.....

The cashier asked how she had earned the money and she said she was helping Steve, Big Harry and Wayne build an extension.....

"Wonderful." said the cashier, " and will you be helping them next week too."??.....



She said, " I will if those wankers from Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time."

 

[Steve]

Got to be an Affs, it's in Bill Bryson's book I read in 2000

[Barman]

Got to be an Affs, it's in Bill Bryson's book I read in 2000

Indeed... 

https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=2767.msg55257#msg55257

[Steve]

It’s with great sadness we have to inform all our family and friends that in the early hours of the morning of 20th December,
our much loved turkey, Gobbles, will pass away.
The cremation will be held at ours at around 2pm on the 25th December .
Obviously Covid-19 restrictions will apply. We are limited to 30 mourners (including the turkey).
No flowers please but if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and alcohol will do.
RIP Gobbles.

[Barman]

It’s with great sadness we have to inform all our family and friends that in the early hours of the morning of 20th December,
our much loved turkey, Gobbles, will pass away.
The cremation will be held at ours at around 2pm on the 25th December .
Obviously Covid-19 restrictions will apply. We are limited to 30 mourners (including the turkey).
No flowers please but if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and alcohol will do.
RIP Gobbles.

It is obvious that you don't do FaceArse... 

[Steve]

It’s with great sadness we have to inform all our family and friends that in the early hours of the morning of 20th December,
our much loved turkey, Gobbles, will pass away.
The cremation will be held at ours at around 2pm on the 25th December .
Obviously Covid-19 restrictions will apply. We are limited to 30 mourners (including the turkey).
No flowers please but if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and alcohol will do.
RIP Gobbles.

It is obvious that you don't do FaceArse... 

And proud of it 

[Barman]

It’s with great sadness we have to inform all our family and friends that in the early hours of the morning of 20th December,
our much loved turkey, Gobbles, will pass away.
The cremation will be held at ours at around 2pm on the 25th December .
Obviously Covid-19 restrictions will apply. We are limited to 30 mourners (including the turkey).
No flowers please but if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and alcohol will do.
RIP Gobbles.

It is obvious that you don't do FaceArse... 

And proud of it 

 

[Steve]

I told the wife "The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches."
"OK" she said, "Just throw them out."
So I'm now just packing their suitcases.
LOOK, I'm just as surprised as you are!!!!

[Barman]

I told the wife "The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches."
"OK" she said, "Just throw them out."
So I'm now just packing their suitcases.
LOOK, I'm just as surprised as you are!!!!

 

[Steve]

Last night the wife randomly started saying this:
"I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein. I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings..."

 She was Tolkien in her sleep!