Fresh from the Inbox

[Barman]

Yep I thought so too but Mr Search engine said 

 

[Darwins Selection]

Yep I thought so too but Mr Search engine said 

 

It's just before "What's a Grecian urn?"

[Barman]

Yep I thought so too but Mr Search engine said 

 

It's just before "What's a Grecian urn?"

 

Was it "five bob a week"...?

[Just One More]

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it is time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars."
Tom gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what’s wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!"
Tom. "I wasn’t."

 

[Darwins Selection]

Yep I thought so too but Mr Search engine said 

 

It's just before "What's a Grecian urn?"

 

Was it "five bob a week"...?

[Steve]

Looking for advice please...

My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I've hidden around the house. Someone suggested I should just keep them in the attic. So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the "I'm afraid of the dark" or "I don't like it up here - there are spiders" really got on my nerves.
Any other suggestions?

[Barman]

Looking for advice please...

My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I've hidden around the house. Someone suggested I should just keep them in the attic. So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the "I'm afraid of the dark" or "I don't like it up here - there are spiders" really got on my nerves.
Any other suggestions?

 

[Just One More]

Looking for advice please...

My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I've hidden around the house. Someone suggested I should just keep them in the attic. So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the "I'm afraid of the dark" or "I don't like it up here - there are spiders" really got on my nerves.
Any other suggestions?

 

 

[Steve]

A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don?t go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!

[Steve]

When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a plate,

Soup was a nightmare.

[apc2010]

When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a plate,

Soup was a nightmare.

 

[Just One More]

When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a plate,

Soup was a nightmare.

 

 

[Darwins Selection]

When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a plate,

Soup was a nightmare.

 

 

[Barman]

The first rule of the Thesaurus club is that you do not talk, articulate, babble, broach, chant, chat, chatter, comment on, communicate, confess, converse, describe, divulge, drawl, drone, express, flap one's tongue, gab, gabble, give voice to, gossip, influence, intone, notify, palaver, parley, patter, persuade, prate, prattle, pronounce, reveal, rhapsodize, run on, say, sing, soliloquize, speak, spill the beans, spout, squeak, squeal, talk one's leg off, tell, tell all, use, utter, ventriloquize, verbalize, voice, or yak about the Thesaurus club.

[Steve]

An 18-year old boy and his girlfriend are going camping for the weekend and plan to lose their virginity to each other.
Bursting with excitement, the boy walks into a Chemist to buy some condoms. He notices they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.
He's a bit confused, so he calls the Chemist over, and asks “Excuse me sir, but why are the condoms packaged this way?”
The kindly old Chemist replies, with a sly grin, "Well, son, it's all about efficiency and practicality. You see, this pack of 3 is for teenage boys, like yourself. You have one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night."
“Oh, I see” says the boy. He points to a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”
“Those are for  Salesmen,” the Chemist answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday!”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, pointing to the 12-pack.
The Chemist sighed and replied, “Well, those are for married men, like myself. One for January, one for February, one for March……. ”