Fresh from the Inbox

[Just One More]

https://www.facebook.com/Tyla/videos/1988703377838423/


 

   

 

[Steve]

The three legged pig.

One day, the farmer was telling a friend about him. "That pig saved my life when my tractor fell on me," he said.
"Oh," said his friend, "Is that how he lost his leg?"
"Nah," said the farmer. "Nothing happened to him."
"Then why does he only have one leg?" asked the friend.
"Well, you don't want to eat a good pig like that all at once, do you?" replied the farmer.

[Barman]

The three legged pig.

One day, the farmer was telling a friend about him. "That pig saved my life when my tractor fell on me," he said.
"Oh," said his friend, "Is that how he lost his leg?"
"Nah," said the farmer. "Nothing happened to him."
"Then why does he only have one leg?" asked the friend.
"Well, you don't want to eat a good pig like that all at once, do you?" replied the farmer.

 

[Steve]

A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition.
They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy.
Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the FSB who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The FSB goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the FSB goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the FSB goon.

[Barman]

A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition.
They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy.
Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the FSB who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The FSB goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the FSB goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the FSB goon.

 

[Steve]

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH F*CKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

[Barman]

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH F*CKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

 

[Just One More]

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH F*CKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

 

 

[Darwins Selection]

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH F*CKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

 

 

[Steve]

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in Dublin and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:
"THE END IS NEAR.
TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis morning’."
"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say ….
"BRIDGE CLOSED"?

[Barman]

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in Dublin and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:
"THE END IS NEAR.
TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis morning’."
"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say ….
"BRIDGE CLOSED"?

 

[Steve]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the course language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them.
She put the sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile she walked up to the group and asked, “Any of you men know Jesus Christ?”
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
Then one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody out there know Jesus Christ?”
One of the steelworkers yelled back down, “ Why?”
The worker yelled back, “cause his mum’s here with his lunch.”

[Barman]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the course language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them.
She put the sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile she walked up to the group and asked, “Any of you men know Jesus Christ?”
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
Then one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody out there know Jesus Christ?”
One of the steelworkers yelled back down, “ Why?”
The worker yelled back, “cause his mum’s here with his lunch.”

 

[Steve]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. Just pull the tooth!
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic,
I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00am tee off time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...
I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!!"
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”

[Barman]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. Just pull the tooth!
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic,
I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00am tee off time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...
I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!!"
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”