Fresh from the Inbox

[Barman]

I went to an 'Inter-Religion Integration Seminar' on Sunday:
The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!"
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!"
I was less amused, then I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said: "By the power of Allah, you will walk today!"
I snapped at him: "There is nothing wrong with me."
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said: "By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!"
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the Seminar, still annoyed, I stepped outside and found my car had been bloody stolen....

 

[Darwins Selection]

I went to an 'Inter-Religion Integration Seminar' on Sunday:
The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!"
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!"
I was less amused, then I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said: "By the power of Allah, you will walk today!"
I snapped at him: "There is nothing wrong with me."
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said: "By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!"
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the Seminar, still annoyed, I stepped outside and found my car had been bloody stolen....

 

[apc2010]

1. Wears red and white....


2. Good at breaking into houses.....


3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace.....


4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle........


5. Only does one days work a year......



Santa is a f88king scouser........

[Barman]

1. Wears red and white....


2. Good at breaking into houses.....


3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace.....


4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle........


5. Only does one days work a year......



Santa is a f88king scouser........

 

[Barman]

An Irish farmer had two horses and couldn’t tell them apart… …so they tied a ribbon to one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the horse pulled off the ribbon, so then they shaved the mane of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the mane grew back, so then they cut the tail off of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the tail grew back.

So finally, they measured, and they found the white horse was 6 inches taller than the black horse.

[Steve]

An Irish farmer had two horses and couldn’t tell them apart… …so they tied a ribbon to one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the horse pulled off the ribbon, so then they shaved the mane of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the mane grew back, so then they cut the tail off of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the tail grew back.

So finally, they measured, and they found the white horse was 6 inches taller than the black horse.

[apc2010]

With a cheeky grin on her face my misses said;


"I want something long and hard on Christmas day!"..........


.
Does anyone know the best way to wrap an ironing board............

[Steve]

With a cheeky grin on her face my misses said;


"I want something long and hard on Christmas day!"..........


.
Does anyone know the best way to wrap an ironing board............

[Barman]

With a cheeky grin on her face my misses said;


"I want something long and hard on Christmas day!"..........


.
Does anyone know the best way to wrap an ironing board............

[Just One More]

With a cheeky grin on her face my misses said;


"I want something long and hard on Christmas day!"..........


.
Does anyone know the best way to wrap an ironing board............

 

[Steve]

On Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a Christmas Party last night." the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that..?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The postman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

[Barman]

On Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a Christmas Party last night." the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that..?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The postman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

 

[apc2010]

On Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a Christmas Party last night." the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that..?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The postman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

 

 

[apc2010]

The England cricket team has officially beat the Wuhan street market for the worst use of a bat ...!!!.....

 

[Just One More]

On Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a Christmas Party last night." the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that..?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The postman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."