Fresh from the Inbox

[Steve]

My repeated failure to appear in the Sunday Times Rich List seriously undermines my faith in money spiders.

[Steve]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night,the bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to £250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist

[Darwins Selection]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night,the bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to £250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist

[Barman]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night,the bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to £250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist

[Steve]

Today I Was Ashamed In Front Of My Family
I was in the bedroom, having some private time to myself, trying to watch some videos on my phone, and I never guessed I would suffer such embarrassment as a result.
I turned the volume down low so nobody else would hear, only me, but I couldn’t hear anything so I turned it up louder, but I still couldn’t hear anything.
“There is something wrong with this video,” I thought, but I kind of enjoyed the spectacle anyway.
Later on my  Wife and Daughter confronted me.
“What the hell were you watching in the bedroom?” they asked, looking at me disgustedly.
“Wh-what do you mean?” I asked, feeling a great sense of shame welling up in the depths of my stomach.
“Shut up,” they said, “we heard the disgusting sounds coming out of your bluetooth speaker!!”
My bluetooth speaker was downstairs in the kitchen beside them while they were eating their toast.
I had forgotten that my phone was still connected to it. This is why there was no sound coming from the videos.
At this moment giving myself a frontal lobe lobotomy with a kitchen knife seemed like it would be enjoyable comparative to the shame I felt.
My secret is now out.
My entire family now know I am an Ed Sheeran fan.
Please,  share this so that we can make sure that nobody, anywhere, ever again has to suffer this great shame.
I’ve lost the respect of my family, don’t let this happen to people that you care about.

[Barman]

Today I Was Ashamed In Front Of My Family
I was in the bedroom, having some private time to myself, trying to watch some videos on my phone, and I never guessed I would suffer such embarrassment as a result.
I turned the volume down low so nobody else would hear, only me, but I couldn’t hear anything so I turned it up louder, but I still couldn’t hear anything.
“There is something wrong with this video,” I thought, but I kind of enjoyed the spectacle anyway.
Later on my  Wife and Daughter confronted me.
“What the hell were you watching in the bedroom?” they asked, looking at me disgustedly.
“Wh-what do you mean?” I asked, feeling a great sense of shame welling up in the depths of my stomach.
“Shut up,” they said, “we heard the disgusting sounds coming out of your bluetooth speaker!!”
My bluetooth speaker was downstairs in the kitchen beside them while they were eating their toast.
I had forgotten that my phone was still connected to it. This is why there was no sound coming from the videos.
At this moment giving myself a frontal lobe lobotomy with a kitchen knife seemed like it would be enjoyable comparative to the shame I felt.
My secret is now out.
My entire family now know I am an Ed Sheeran fan.
Please,  share this so that we can make sure that nobody, anywhere, ever again has to suffer this great shame.
I’ve lost the respect of my family, don’t let this happen to people that you care about.

 

[Barman]

[Just One More]

 

[Steve]

 

[Just One More]

 

 

[Barman]

[Barman]

[Steve]

[Barman]

[Steve]

Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.