Fresh from the Inbox

[Barman]

I was thinking back to when I was at school...
Smoking around the boiler house at the break with all the other bad uns..
Pinching food from the canteen...
Walking out of school at dinner time n not coming back...
running into the girl's toilets...
I can remember the headmaster saying to me,
"You are the worst caretaker we've ever had here"...

 

[Steve]

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward" they said. ”When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye "My wife is from Wales “.

[Barman]

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward" they said. ”When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye "My wife is from Wales “.

 

[Barman]

[Steve]

  horrible stuff painted wallpaper, best to move IMHO

[Barman]

"Your driving is absolutely terrible" I said to my wife.

"Oh come on it's not that bad" she said.

I just shook my head, took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.

[Steve]

"Your driving is absolutely terrible" I said to my wife.

"Oh come on it's not that bad" she said.

I just shook my head, took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.

[Steve]

 I was having sex with my friend's wife, and the phone rang.

I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me!

[Barman]

I was having sex with my friend's wife, and the phone rang.

I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me!

 

[Steve]

[Barman]

 

[Steve]

Yesterday I was at my local Pets at Home store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pets and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that "No, I didn’t have a dog.
I was going on the Pedigree diet again, I added that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in hospital the last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms."
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load up your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two whenever you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention that now practically everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, the woman asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the food had poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me."
 
I am now banned from Pets at Home.

[Barman]

Yesterday I was at my local Pets at Home store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pets and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that "No, I didn’t have a dog.
I was going on the Pedigree diet again, I added that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in hospital the last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms."
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load up your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two whenever you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention that now practically everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, the woman asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the food had poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me."
 
I am now banned from Pets at Home.

 

[Steve]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for one of these expensive tests."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Alberta Health recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
 If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[Barman]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for one of these expensive tests."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Alberta Health recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
 If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."