The all new advice for Grandpa thread

[Nick]

1.Practice "coochy coo"
2. Go "Aaaaaaaaaaahh" a lot.
3. Offer to change nappies.
4. Clean up vomit eagerly.


Carry on.

[Miss Demeanour]

- Become an expert burper
- Spend all your own toy money on baby toys
- Learn to fix child seat in your own car to take baby round and round the M25 to 'settle' it
- Learn never to raise your voice again ...in case you wake baby

[Snoopy]

Get used to the smell of posset which will be deposited on your clothing and will never come out.

Do not get drawn into saying who you think the child resembles ~ even if it is Winston Churchill

Be prepared for LL to be furious with you for no apparent reason. Grandmothers get that way ~ accept it.






Oh AND .....
Miss Piggy knows she has dark circles under her eyes, that she will never fit into those tight jeans again, that she looks generally shite, that she has baby sick in her hair, she smells of puke and she has damp patches on the front of her jumper/blouse where her tits are leaking ~ she will not be grateful to you for pointing any of this out to her.

[Barman]

I shall say "you must be very proud" and no more... 

[Snoopy]

I have found it best to admire baby, tell mother she looks wonderful and take the father to the pub. Wimmin are best left to get on with it at this time and for at least the next six months. Better yet  ..... until the child goes to university.


My 4 grandchildren think I am wonderful because I ask no questions of them, take the piss out of their parents and dob them a £20 note when I see them. ('Bout twice a year)

[Nick]

SO BM should give it £20 then? 

[Snoopy]

Best not to get too carried away with £500 Baby Bonus Bonds and stuff of that ilk ~ could be setting a costly precedent should Miss Piggy forget her vows never to have another. God knows how many she'll end up with in the litter. I find the set figure of £20 enough to invoke "Oh you shouldn't spoil them like that" from the parents, a "Gosh Thanks Grandpa" from the children and at only £20 per kid, per visit, not too draining on the personal resources.

[Nick]

40 quid then?

Might just eat it though, babies are like that 

[Snoopy]

Somebody will be bound to have given it a money box by now ~ people always do. All BM has to do is admire baby, admire gifts and when he sees the money box smile (through gritted teeth if I know him) and shove a twenty into the little slot in the box.
Get the child accustomed to that now and never vary it.

My God Mother did it to me with a ten bob note ~ every time I saw her (usually three times a year) until I was twenty one when she sent me £100 and considered her duty done.

She was a friend of my mother's ~ not a relative. A spinster school teacher (From Dummer JOM) and she also used to send my letters to her back to me ~ corrected in red ink

We still correspond but she no longer corrects my spelling.

Story she told me a few years ago in one of her letters. She had been into hospital (she is in her 80s) and had cataracts removed/sorted or whatever they do with them. Anywhoo she felt able to drive again but found the headlights of other cars distracting and slightly painful when they reflected from her door mirrors into her newly repaired eyes. Her answer was to fit a woollen bedsock over each of her door mirrors whenever she went out after dark.

[Barman]

My Uncle Jack used to give me a half crown every now and then... 

New baby won't be getting any cash from me tho... wouldn't want to spoil it like... 

[Nick]

Stick to nappy changing and puke mopping then.

[Barman]

Stick to nappy changing and puke mopping then.

None of that either... 

When does the Farnborough Air Show end...? 

[Snoopy]

25th July.

[Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons)]

Stick to nappy changing and puke mopping then.

None of that either... 

When does the Farnborough Air Show end...? 

I'm planning on attending.   Also Goodwood revival in September.

Baby advice steer well clear, let the ladies rule.  Maybe purchase a box of chocolates or two. If you have to handle it try not to drop it or break it.

[Barman]

25th July.

Saturday it is then...