The best...
1. Tim Vine: I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
2. David Gibson (as Ray Green): I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.
3. Emo Philips: I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.
4. Jack Whitehall: I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought' - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
5. Gary Delaney: As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
6. John Bishop: Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.
7. Bo Burnham: What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.
8. Gary Delaney: Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
9. Robert White: For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty.
10. Gareth Richards: Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.
... and the worst
Sara Pascoe: Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.
Sean Hughes: You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?
Gyles Brandreth: I've got nothing against lesbians. I mean, that's the point isn't it?
Doc Brown: I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price.
John Luke Roberts: I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge.
Sarah Millican: I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it's not enough to just buy it.
Bec Hill: Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs.
Dan Antopolski: How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.
Andi Osho: Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in, through the round window?
Gareth Richards: My mother is always taking photographs of me - she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news.
Emo Phillips: I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them
