Surreal bureaucracy (episode 1)

[Nick]

SO things on the freelance front are a tad quiet at present, so I thought I might go mad and look for a job. Rummaged around on various websites and saw one job for which I have applied. Maternity leave cover at the local Poly University which is round the corner from me. I see that the Job Centre have a surprising number of jobs in my field, so I decide to pop in and see them for a chat, like.

It was my first time in one of these places since 1978 and it is like waling into a zoo  The clientelle are either weaselly yoofs with twitches or immense hippo sized wimmin.

A guy at the entrance asks what I want. "I am looking for a job." He stares at me in disbelief then gestures to a computer. I say, "I have one of those at home, but I thought maybe I should talk to someone." He looks puzzled but pushes me in the direction of a wumman. She asks what I want. "I am looking for a job." She gazes at me blankly and then produces a scrap of paper and tells me to call the number on it.

I go outside and sit in the car and dial the number, which leads to a 30 minute telephone interview. Woman then says that I must go to an appointment at my Job Centre and do I know where it is. I say I am parked outside it  . My appointment is on Monday with the wumman who gave me the phone number in the first place 

I sense this is already going round in circles. I am sure Tel and TMR can offer advice.

[Barman]

You could have Uncle Mort's job! 

[Nick]

I think he did sums all day 

[Snoopy]

You will be very low priority as you are not claiming Job Seekers Allowance so they have no incentive to help you as doing so will not tick the boxes that they need to tick. I.E. Helping you find a job will not lower the claimant stats that they are judged by.

You will be told, by them, to look on the internet and they will want you to produce a CV which they will then take to pieces and tell you that you have got it all wrong. They will require you to produce records of applications made and replies received.

They will also demand you do a course to improve your "Core Skills" ~ your qualifications will be derided as "Out of date" and they will want you to talk to "Learn Direct" to gain access to a Numeracy and Literacy level 2 qualification. This consists of (i) An assessment at which you have to tick boxes on multiple choice questions, using a computer. The results will be given immediately by the computer.
(ii) Learning Direct will then want you to attend evening (or day time classes) for a total of 30 hours to "improve your skills ... You will then be reassessed and they will give you a "Certificate" that will gain you 3 "CATs" points. SWWLTBO went along with this but after 2 sessions was given her Certificate and asked not to attend the "classes" as she was upsetting the other students as she "knew everything". Her pre-paid fees were refunded less the cost of the assessment and certificate.
ALL teachers (including previously qualified ones) have to go through this now ~ because so many cannot use basic English & Maths! They also need to attend courses on embedding ESD (in England) ESDGC (In Wales). This is now a requirement for all teachers/lecturers etc (Past, Current & Future)
http://www.esd-wales.org.uk/

If you seek a teaching post you will have to do this anyway ~ Nulabour made it a rule .... no matter what your degree unless you have obtained a Grade C or better GCSE in the last three years you have to go through this performance.

SWWLTBO ~ 12 GCE O levels, none lower that an A + 5 "Highers"(Scottish A levels) a BA Hons degree in Humanities (with Latin & History) + Dip. Eur. Hum. + Post Graduate Certificate of Education and in her 3rd year of a Masters degree in Education, had to go through this performance.

Oh and since she now works for two College of FE and is an unpaid mentor for Graduates studying for their PGCE at Glyndwr University (which is not a salaried post but they are paying half her fees for the MA) she has had to apply for not one but 3 bloody clearances via the Criminal Records Bureau (CRAPITA) as holding one such clearance only applies to one employer! All this has to be paid for ~ See Stealth Taxes via NuLabour.

She is a patient soul ... has to be to live with me .... but even she went 

Frankly you'd be better applying for a part-time job as a Security Guard!

[Nick]

AHa, but as part of their cunning plan to further ensnare me in the tentacles of the State they are trying to make me claim JSA.

[Miss Demeanour]

This can only end in tears 

Do you then not have to disclose all your finances and stuff ???

[Nick]

Quite so. They can fook off!

[Snoopy]

Based on your (estimated) income this year they will give you no money but they will credit your NI contributions. You will have to attend fortnightly to "Sign On" and they will call you to regular interviews to examine your "Job Seeking Evidence". Then they will insist you attend courses.
E.G.
How to write a CV.
How to present yourself at an interview (Shave, Suit, how to clean your shoes etc!).
How to look for jobs using the internet and newspapers.
They will pay for stamps to send out CVs but only if you take the CV they have approved into the Job Centre or appointed agency where they will frank the envelopes!

You will end up telling them to get stuffed but you will remain a target for years to come!!!!

We have had no end of aggravation from them all following one enquiry and initial interview.

SWWLTBO told them she could not attend their "courses" (provided by an agency ~ an off-shoot of a "Consultancy Company") as she was attending Uni for her PGCE but they said this was not actually seeking work and they didn't see how qualifying as a lecturer would help her gain a job!

Frankly Nick to go along and take the p*ss does not work as they are too thick to realise that you are so doing.

[Nick]

Well I went in earlier and they had asked me to bring in a bank statement as evidence of my rent income and mortgage payments. It's a separate account, so I didn't mind producing it.

I produced it. The old guy in charge said "I have terrible eyesight and can't read that, but we asked you to bring it in and you have done, so that's OK."

ENd of interview. 

[Barman]

Well I went in earlier and they had asked me to bring in a bank statement as evidence of my rent income and mortgage payments. It's a separate account, so I didn't mind producing it.

I produced it. The old guy in charge said "I have terrible eyesight and can't read that, but we asked you to bring it in and you have done, so that's OK."

ENd of interview.