TMR's all new "Tales from the Underworld" thread

[Nick]

They can cure e coli in sheep according to Farming Today. And moo cows too prolly.

[Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons)]

What turnips cure e coli?  If that is the cast I will double my growing capacity of kohlrabi next year , I will never be able to  compete with the big boys like Darwin but Sheffield may be a safer place to live.

[The Moan Ranger]

Only 10 more planes due in tonight! One month ago, that figure would be nudging 40.

[The Moan Ranger]

As you can probably imagine, today was "interesting". It snowed all day - sometimes heavy, sometimes not so. The many snow ploughs at Gatwick were busy all day trying to keep the taxiways clear and seemed to be coping. They ignored the interior roads that we use though. The backlogs arose due to every plane requiring de-icing before they flew and by lunchtime most were about 1 1/2 hours late.

Gatwick snow clearing

I had two trailers on the back of an electric buggy and as I tried to stop, the 2 tonne weight behind me decided it didn't want to and my tyres lost the battle with the limited adhesion - I ended up sideways skidding across a junction, narrowly avoiding a re-fueller. 

One of my colleagues slipped whilst walking under a plane and in the process whacked his head on one of the spiky protuberances - slicing his head open and breaking said protuberance off in the process. Our H&S nazi went out to the scene of the accident, brought him back to the office and promptly suspended him for damaging an aircraft. He was left to drive home to Littlehampton himself, blood gushing down the side of his head.  Nice company, huh? 

As you can imagine, we were all pretty pissed-off about this, so when they asked us all to stop on until 02:00 to see all the late planes in, they had no takers. So all the Supervisors and Duty Managers will have to do them 

Time to relax and a couple of beers before a shower (I'm covered in aircraft de-icer) and bed 

[Baldy]

Sounds like he is employed to look after the H&S of the planes rather than the staff. 

[Just One More]

^^^ What he said ^^^  Thank god that I work for a company that have a healthy approach to H & S and staff welfare

Ref the video... echelon ploughing     

[GROWLER]

SUSPENDED?!!

I'm going to have to gather my thoughts before commenting on that any further.

[GROWLER]

Right. I've thought, albeit for only 20 seconds.

You get the union involved pronto and get this poor bastard re-instated immidiately. He then sues the utter bastards for neglecting their duty of care for employees.

I'm absolutely livid for the guy and feeling this almost overwhelming desire  to come down there and twat his boss.....HARD!

Absolute disgusting C**TS  trick of epic proportions that is....and they left the guy to DRIVE HIMSELF home....WITH A HEAD INJURY?

My bladder is frothing currently. Stand well back...,..

[The Moan Ranger]

Right. I've thought, albeit for only 20 seconds.

You get the union involved pronto and get this poor bastard re-instated immidiately. He then sues the utter bastards for neglecting their duty of care for employees.

I'm absolutely livid for the guy and feeling this almost overwhelming desire  to come down there and twat his boss.....HARD!

Absolute disgusting C**TS  trick of epic proportions that is....and they left the guy to DRIVE HIMSELF home....WITH A HEAD INJURY?

My bladder is frothing currently. Stand well back...,..

The H&S bloke is a total c*nt of the fist order. It won't be long be someone knocks his brains out - he has form for doing this sort of thing. "The rule book" states that if a plane is damaged the offending person is suspended - no ifs or buts. He has been suspended on full pay.

What really upsets us is that he was left to drive himself home - yet when a supervisor slipped over and broke his arm a few months back, he was taken to horse-pickle.  Another bloke broke his thumb about a month ago and he also was left to take himself home and had his pay docked for leaving early.

It's appalling.

Another one of our blokes slipped over on the back of an electric flat -bed lorry yesterday, due to snow accumulation, and his knee was ballooning when we left las night. He's going to go and "see" the H&S bloke today to let him know that he intends to sue 

[GROWLER]

Right. I've thought, albeit for only 20 seconds.

You get the union involved pronto and get this poor bastard re-instated immidiately. He then sues the utter bastards for neglecting their duty of care for employees.

I'm absolutely livid for the guy and feeling this almost overwhelming desire  to come down there and twat his boss.....HARD!

Absolute disgusting C**TS  trick of epic proportions that is....and they left the guy to DRIVE HIMSELF home....WITH A HEAD INJURY?

My bladder is frothing currently. Stand well back...,..

The H&S bloke is a total c*nt of the fist order. It won't be long be someone knocks his brains out - he has form for doing this sort of thing. "The rule book" states that if a plane is damaged the offending person is suspended - no ifs or buts. He has been suspended on full pay.

What really upsets us is that he was left to drive himself home - yet when a supervisor slipped over and broke his arm a few months back, he was taken to horse-pickle.  Another bloke broke his thumb about a month ago and he also was left to take himself home and had his pay docked for leaving early.

It's appalling.

Another one of our blokes slipped over on the back of an electric flat -bed lorry yesterday, due to snow accumulation, and his knee was ballooning when we left las night. He's going to go and "see" the H&S bloke today to let him know that he intends to sue 

Excellent.

Haven't you got a Union rep there?

Any other industry would down tools over this. Absolutely appaling and disgraceful behaviour by management....cough...MAN agement...to manage men. Worra fuckin' joke.
Is this really the 21st century?

[The Moan Ranger]

The UNITE union here is pretty impotent tbh. If he sues, it can only be for the injury and not loss of earnings.

He would have to sue Gatwick Airport Ltd (GAL) as it's their responsibility to ensure the aircraft stands are safe. Thing is though - he slipped on de-icing fluid so I'm not sure how that would pan out.

[GROWLER]

Think I need to come down there to sort you's lot and that management shower of shite out.

What do the union have to say about a member being suspended for, and then being sent home ON HIS OWN with a head injury?  
Beggars piggin' belief this.

What would have been the score if he'd collapsed behind the wheel of his car and crashed into a bus stop full of people I wionder?

This is pretty good attitude example as to why I told B.Gas to stick their job back in 1994.
Couldn't give a flying turd attitude...."if it's too hot in the kitchen, GET OUT" !

[The Moan Ranger]

First Officer - "Flight Deck to Ground"
Ground (me) - "Good evening sir"
F.O. - "We have clearance and are ready to push back"
Me  - "Don't you want my checks first?"
F.O. - "Oh, if we must"
Me "All doors, hold and hatches are closed, safe and secured. Engines 2 & 1 are clear, the towbar is in place, the steering bypass pin is in place..."
F.O. "Enough of that old fanny, parking is brake is released can we go now!"


So I signal the pushback driver that the brakes are off and we start pushing the plane back

F.O. - "Am I clear to start engine 1?"
Me - "Not yet, sir, we have to make a sharp turn to face west and that brings me very close to engine 1. I'd rather not be diced up by a CFM56 engine tonight as I have 3 days off after this. Standby".

20 seconds later we're coming out of the tight turn

Me - "Clear to start engine 1 now, sir"
F.O. - " Starting engine 1".
Me - "In a hurry, sir? We're 10 minutes early as it is"
F.O. - "Sorry about that, I have a bad dose of the shits and I want to get off this plane ASAP. The toilet cubicles on this fuckin plane are tiny and when I had to go earlier I stank the place out"
Me - "Ermm...OK. Clear to start engine 2"
F.O. - "Two good engine starts, your clear to disconnect and we'll get the fuck out of here. See you on the right hand side with the steering pin".
Me - "Two good starts, we'll disconnect and I'll see you on the right hand side with the steering pin. I hope the brown rain stays away until you're in a more comfortable place"
F.O. - "The Holiday Inn Express in Geneva. And I bet the fuckin bar is closed. Goodnight!"

 

[Just One More]

 

Those little moments that get you through the day 

[Barman]

First Officer - "Flight Deck to Ground"
Ground (me) - "Good evening sir"
F.O. - "We have clearance and are ready to push back"
Me  - "Don't you want my checks first?"
F.O. - "Oh, if we must"
Me "All doors, hold and hatches are closed, safe and secured. Engines 2 & 1 are clear, the towbar is in place, the steering bypass pin is in place..."
F.O. "Enough of that old fanny, parking is brake is released can we go now!"


So I signal the pushback driver that the brakes are off and we start pushing the plane back

F.O. - "Am I clear to start engine 1?"
Me - "Not yet, sir, we have to make a sharp turn to face west and that brings me very close to engine 1. I'd rather not be diced up by a CFM56 engine tonight as I have 3 days off after this. Standby".

20 seconds later we're coming out of the tight turn

Me - "Clear to start engine 1 now, sir"
F.O. - " Starting engine 1".
Me - "In a hurry, sir? We're 10 minutes early as it is"
F.O. - "Sorry about that, I have a bad dose of the shits and I want to get off this plane ASAP. The toilet cubicles on this fuckin plane are tiny and when I had to go earlier I stank the place out"
Me - "Ermm...OK. Clear to start engine 2"
F.O. - "Two good engine starts, your clear to disconnect and we'll get the fuck out of here. See you on the right hand side with the steering pin".
Me - "Two good starts, we'll disconnect and I'll see you on the right hand side with the steering pin. I hope the brown rain stays away until you're in a more comfortable place"
F.O. - "The Holiday Inn Express in Geneva. And I bet the fuckin bar is closed. Goodnight!"

 

 

SleasyJet...?