Interview disasters

[Nick]

Tomorrow I have my first job interview in 17 years. What can possibly go wrong?

Last interview I had I told the VC of a university, "If pigs can do it and children can do it, then the University of X should aspire to it." I did not get the job.

There was also the time I impersonated a hovercraft in an interview due to a linguistic misunderstanding 

Any other horrors to share? There are bound to be some between 10.30 and 11.30 in the morning.

[Pirate]

Just imagine that the interviewer has no clothes on...

[Nick]

All four of them, even the men? 

[Miss Demeanour]

I remembering interviewing one bloke once for a temporary post . He gave me the creeps as soon as he came in the room. He shook my hand and then stroked the inside of my palm with his thumb whilst not disengaging from eye contact.

I wanted to end the feckin interview then and there . There were 2 of us on the panel ( the other was a bloke) . When he left the room both of us just turned to each other and shuddered. He was a 1st class weirdo.

Then there was another woman I interviewed who went on for over half an hour , when asked about her recent experience in relation to the post , all about how she gave her last job up to go and be a liberation fighter for a small country in Africa. Lived in the jungle , had no sanitary facilities etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc .......Christ did she go on. At the end of her interview we didn't even bother asking her if she had any questions  

[Snoopy]

If they've looked at your CV and application, gone to the effort of inviting you to interview, they will have asked around a bit and the decision will be made within the first 30 seconds of you entering the room. All the rest is flannel.

Leastways that's how I used to do it 

[Miss Demeanour]

Did you ever employ any men ??? 

[Snoopy]

98% of the staff were male.


Criteria applied:
(i) Are they legally or illegally in the country (Check with Home Office pre interview)
(ii) Can they read and write in a language that we and our clients can understand (CV)
(iii) Can we 'vet' them quickly (CV Phone all previous employers except current one)
(iv) Ask operations how many of the 2700 guards that we need in any given week are we currently short of
(v) Look at him when he walks through the door. Does he look as if (a) we have a uniform that will fit him and (b) he is not as decrepit as the one we just fired.
(vi) Ask him if he minds 12 hour shifts and how soon is he available
(vii) Flannel about prospects, opportunities for overtime, promotion etc
(viii) Offer him the job and book him in for induction training next week.
(ix) Shake his hand and say goodbye, I'll see you at 7am on Tuesday for your basic (and only) training
(x) If he is currently unemployed or working his notice put him on a site on Saturday.


Simples 

[Darwins Selection]

I remembering interviewing one bloke once for a temporary post . He gave me the creeps as soon as he came in the room. He shook my hand and then stroked the inside of my palm with his thumb whilst not disengaging from eye contact.

Not many freemasons on the team then?

I have never had a job interview 

[Nick]