Author Topic: Material for apc  (Read 117205 times)

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Offline Barman

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #240 on: December 29, 2011, 12:00:15 PM »
 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons)

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #241 on: December 31, 2011, 01:35:28 PM »
What bounces and makes kids cry?

My donation cheque to Children in Need.

 lol: lol:
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #242 on: January 09, 2012, 11:27:39 AM »
What has glasses and ruins your life?






The bar I met the missus in.
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Offline Barman

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #243 on: January 09, 2012, 11:39:51 AM »
A friend sent me a text message last night. Just the one word: Gnab.

I reckon that's bang out of order.
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #244 on: January 09, 2012, 12:20:36 PM »
Bob Holness hasn't been in Heaven two minutes and already Amy Winehouse is pestering him with "Can I have an E please Bob?"
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Offline Barman

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #245 on: January 09, 2012, 12:24:44 PM »
Bob Holness hasn't been in Heaven two minutes and already Amy Winehouse is pestering him with "Can I have an E please Bob?"

happy001
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #246 on: January 14, 2012, 09:15:19 PM »
Here you go, see how many of these are "Affs!"


Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
 
 
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy
 
 
I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
 
 
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to'
 

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
 
 
" A guy was waiting for his wife to cook his breakfast when he heard a thud, he rushed into the kitchen and found
her dead on the floor. He panicked for a moment and didn't know what to do, then he remembered Harvesters do an all day breakfast for £3.50"
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #247 on: January 14, 2012, 09:43:33 PM »
Ref the PIP implants ... If there are any ladies out there that want their breasts looking at then I am available to carry out such checks free of charge and willing to travel to do so .
I have no medical qualifications , but I do know a good pair when I see them  :thumbsup:
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Barman

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #248 on: January 15, 2012, 07:09:59 AM »
Here you go, see how many of these are "Affs!"


Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
 
 
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy
 
 
I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
 
 
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to'
 

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
 
 
" A guy was waiting for his wife to cook his breakfast when he heard a thud, he rushed into the kitchen and found
her dead on the floor. He panicked for a moment and didn't know what to do, then he remembered Harvesters do an all day breakfast for £3.50"

AFFS!  lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #249 on: January 29, 2012, 05:49:39 PM »
I feel sorry for the hypnotist we had on last night. He hypnotised 7 guys then dropped the mike on his left foot and yelled, "Fuck me."

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Barman

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #250 on: January 29, 2012, 05:51:53 PM »
I feel sorry for the hypnotist we had on last night. He hypnotised 7 guys then dropped the mike on his left foot and yelled, "Fuck me."

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #251 on: February 05, 2012, 03:18:03 AM »
After my girlfriend left, I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink and drugs. She'll go mental when she gets home from work..
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Barman

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #252 on: February 05, 2012, 07:36:31 AM »
After my girlfriend left, I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink and drugs. She'll go mental when she gets home from work..

happy001
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Offline Nick

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #253 on: February 05, 2012, 10:50:21 AM »
A man is out walking his dog beside a lake when he suddenly sees a woman just managing to keep her head above water, but then slowly sink. He dives in, grabs the woman and pulls her to the edge of the lake. He places her on her back, raises her arms and starts making pumping movements. Each time he pumps, a thick jet of water shoots out of her mouth.
In the meantime, a cyclist has stopped and is watching the events, shaking his head. The man keeps pumping, but each time a thick jet of water still shoots out of her mouth. The cyclist just shakes his head and says, “That’s never going to work.”
“Shut up! I know what I’m doing, I’m a doctor.”
“Well,” says the cyclist, “I’m an engineer and I’m telling you if you don’t take her arse out of the water you’ll pump the fucking lake dry.”
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Offline Darwins Selection

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Re: Material for apc
« Reply #254 on: February 05, 2012, 12:38:06 PM »
A man is out walking his dog beside a lake when he suddenly sees a woman just managing to keep her head above water, but then slowly sink. He dives in, grabs the woman and pulls her to the edge of the lake. He places her on her back, raises her arms and starts making pumping movements. Each time he pumps, a thick jet of water shoots out of her mouth.
In the meantime, a cyclist has stopped and is watching the events, shaking his head. The man keeps pumping, but each time a thick jet of water still shoots out of her mouth. The cyclist just shakes his head and says, “That’s never going to work.”
“Shut up! I know what I’m doing, I’m a doctor.”
“Well,” says the cyclist, “I’m an engineer and I’m telling you if you don’t take her arse out of the water you’ll pump the fucking lake dry.”

Arse you say?

Your Rag magazine must have been more up-market than mine.
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