Material for apc

[Barman]

 

[apc2010]

Writing a new set ...........got offered a regular gig ..........but can do what I want .....no dumbing down .......

been watching Steve Hughes  and  louis ck......

[Just One More]

What do we want ?
A cure for tourettes
when do we want it ?

Bastard



"What do we want"!
"More Irish Accents"!
"When do we want them"?

"Noiw"



Big fight at a gypsy wedding in Ireland. Goes to court and the judge says "Can anyone explain what happened?"
Paddy says "I can, I was the best man and I was dancing with the bride. We were dancing quite close when the groom stormed up and kicked the bride in the fanny".
"I see," says the judge. "That must have hurt."
"Bloody right" says Paddy, ". . he broke 3 of my fingers".

[Just One More]

What's pink and sits on the doormat?

Whitney Houston's Valentines cards 

[Miss Demeanour]

What do we want ?
A cure for tourettes
when do we want it ?

Bastard



"What do we want"!
"More Irish Accents"!
"When do we want them"?

"Noiw"



Big fight at a gypsy wedding in Ireland. Goes to court and the judge says "Can anyone explain what happened?"
Paddy says "I can, I was the best man and I was dancing with the bride. We were dancing quite close when the groom stormed up and kicked the bride in the fanny".
"I see," says the judge. "That must have hurt."
"Bloody right" says Paddy, ". . he broke 3 of my fingers".

 

[Barman]

What's pink and sits on the doormat?

Whitney Houston's Valentines cards 

[Grumpmeister]

What's 6 inches and won't get sucked this Valentines day?


Whitney's crack pipe.


 

[apc2010]

What's 6 inches and won't get sucked this Valentines day?


Whitney's crack pipe.


 

 

[The Moan Ranger]

I walked in with 5 bunches of flowers for my wife today.

"Happy Valentines day, babe!" I smiled.

"Oh my god, theyre gorgeous!!" she burst out with delight. "Where did you get them from?"

"Down the street," I winked.

"From that posh florist?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "From the lampost where that kid got ran over yesterday."

[Barman]

I walked in with 5 bunches of flowers for my wife today.

"Happy Valentines day, babe!" I smiled.

"Oh my god, theyre gorgeous!!" she burst out with delight. "Where did you get them from?"

"Down the street," I winked.

"From that posh florist?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "From the lampost where that kid got ran over yesterday."

[Just One More]

Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye

[Just One More]

I wasn't concentrating while driving this morning and crashed into a 'Stop' sign. I got out of the car to check the damage. The sign was slightly bent and there was a small scratch on my bumper. Both could be repaired cheaply, so that wasn't too bad.

It wasn't all good news, though. I could tell from the kids' screams that the lollipop man was pretty badly hurt

[Just One More]

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye."What happened to you?" asked his wife.
 
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.  So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half." 
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
 
Roy replied: "Wrong room."

[Barman]

I wasn't concentrating while driving this morning and crashed into a 'Stop' sign. I got out of the car to check the damage. The sign was slightly bent and there was a small scratch on my bumper. Both could be repaired cheaply, so that wasn't too bad.

It wasn't all good news, though. I could tell from the kids' screams that the lollipop man was pretty badly hurt

[Just One More]

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After my wife and I have s ex, I'm usually cold and chilly and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her, "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"

"Oh, the silly old bugger" she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."