Material for apc

[Just One More]

Teacher asks Billy; "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"
Billy; "Five"
 
 
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."



Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk"
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"



My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.



I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

 
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement......it was a mortar attack.


The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . .
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut it up and go to sleep!"


A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newcastle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"


Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist,
a twisted ankle and grazed knees,

Apparently she'd stood him up.



Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship...
she replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"



A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"
(that's actually not a bad chat up line) 


My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

[apc2010]

 

[Uncle Mort]

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist,
a twisted ankle and grazed knees,

Apparently she'd stood him up.

 

[apc2010]

Offended everyone tonight .......................not my kind of crowd ..........at the end had a few fans .........the Whitney /coroner joke ..........was not a good one .. ...........feck em they will all be text tomorrow .....

[Just One More]

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"


One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."


A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
 
    

[Barman]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
 
    

[Just One More]

Two nuns were riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome when the first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun replied "It's the cobblestones."

[Just One More]

[Barman]

 

[Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits)]

 Even if you're not catholic, this is funny :-

 
THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A YANKEE BASEBALL GAME.



THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND.  BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS, HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED and MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,

"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH ...  ONLY 100 NUNS LIVE THERE."


THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA .  ONLY 5O NUNS LIVE THERE."


THE THIRD GUY SAID,

"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO.  ONLY 25 NUNS LIVE THERE."

THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,


"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...  THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"

[Barman]

Never introduce something as 'funny'.... 

[The Moan Ranger]

I said to my wife, "Your short pants really turn me on, Love."

"It's an asthma attack, you sick bastard!" her sister shouted.

[Barman]

 

[Just One More]

I'm not saying my wife is a slag but even the labels in her knickers say Next!


My wife's been complaining for hours about toothache. She's been going on and on about the pain, and how much she's afraid of the dentist. I'd had enough, so I got a pair of pliers, stood on her forehead and yanked it out.
Let's see how much moaning she can do without a tongue!

[Barman]

I'm not saying my wife is a slag but even the labels in her knickers say Next!


My wife's been complaining for hours about toothache. She's been going on and on about the pain, and how much she's afraid of the dentist. I'd had enough, so I got a pair of pliers, stood on her forehead and yanked it out.
Let's see how much moaning she can do without a tongue!