Material for apc

[Barman]

Here's another classic from Monkhouse that APC could use. 

"People often think I'm from Kent. I hear them whisper it as I walk past."

[Just One More]

I saw a dead woman laying in a field last night. So I reported it to the police. They said, 'how did you find her body?' I said, 'her tits were okay but her ar$e was a bit tight'. 

[apc2010]

I saw a dead woman laying in a field last night. So I reported it to the police. They said, 'how did you find her body?' I said, 'her tits were okay but her ar$e was a bit tight'. 

 

[The Moan Ranger]

I know how Anders Behring Breivik feels.

The last time I gatecrashed a summer camp I shot a load as well.




 

[apc2010]

I know how Anders Behring Breivik feels.

The last time I gatecrashed a summer camp I shot a load as well.




 

Using that tonight ........

[Barman]

I know how Anders Behring Breivik feels.

The last time I gatecrashed a summer camp I shot a load as well.




 

 

[apc2010]

How bad has the UK become when I say Jeremy Kyle on a mic ................and before the joke people start cheering and whooping .........I knew I was fecked  then 


So I need pleb jokes ..............

anyone here watch crap day-time TV.......?????????

BTW done the loose women joke.......

[Baldy]

I was in ecstacy, with a smile on my face, as my girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.....

forwards then backwards.....

back and forth,
back and forth,

In and out....
In and out....

Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush and she started to grunt and groan.

Then she let out one almighty scream!!!.....



"I can't park this fucking car! You do it you smug bastard!"

[Just One More]

How bad has the UK become when I say Jeremy Kyle on a mic ................and before the joke people start cheering and whooping .........I knew I was fecked  then 


So I need pleb jokes ..............

anyone here watch crap day-time TV.......?????????

BTW done the loose women joke.......

"Darling I can't help being fat," the wife sobbed. "It's from water retention!"
"I do understand," I replied, "So buy f*cking cakes with less moisture content."


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2:  If I wanted to spend £7 to see a specky lover, a ginger nice person and a hot girl I'd like to f*#k, I'd pay my child support.


Grandad went into a nursing home . I rang to see how he was settling in and they told me he was like a fish out of water .
I assumed by that they meant he wasn't settling in well .

Then they told me he was dead .


I was in the car with this bird last night and the flirting was intense.
"F*ck me in the sh*thole" she cried,
I said, "There's no way I'm driving to [insert town of choice] at this time of night"


 

[apc2010]

 

[Barman]

I was in ecstacy, with a smile on my face, as my girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.....

forwards then backwards.....

back and forth,
back and forth,

In and out....
In and out....

Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush and she started to grunt and groan.

Then she let out one almighty scream!!!.....



"I can't park this fucking car! You do it you smug bastard!"

[Barman]

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2:  If I wanted to spend £7 to see a specky lover, a ginger nice person and a hot girl I'd like to fuck, I'd pay my child support.

 

[apc2010]

Right need more before saturday .............oh I owe JOM a beer ..........put it on BM tab........

[Just One More]

Well, because my inbox is devoid of jokes at the moment, you can always try Aussie Jeds site as a fallback

[Baldy]

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

 

 

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

 

 

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

 

 

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

 

 

Black bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just shagged the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."

 

 

I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of bollocks. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?

 

 

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.

 

 

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

 

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

 

 

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back