Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him with my luck I’d probably win one.
Kate Middleton says to the Queen, “What’s the secret to a successful marriage?” Queen replies “Wear a seatbelt and don’t piss me off.”
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”
I went to audition for the part of the Artful Dodger in a production of Oliver Twist. When I found out I hadn’t got the role and had lost it to an Asian I went and asked the director what was wrong with my audition. “Nothing,” he said “but under our new equal rights policy we’ve got to pick a Paki or two.”
Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don’t let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.
100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
Now Eddie Stobart’s dead they’ve found out that he was HGV positive.
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!
Today in an opinion poll I was asked ‘If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?’ Naturally I said ‘Niggers and guptas.’ Apparently most people said the 10,000 metres.
And my favourite two from the batch...
Now he’s dead, they’re making a film of Eddie Stobart’s life story. I’ve just seen the trailer.
Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line. She’s not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
