Hols

[The Moan Ranger]

So the time of year has come whereby I will be off to sunnier climes for the traditional fortnight of sun, sea and diarrhoea.

As usual I have timed it perfection in that the sun has recently made itself known once more here following the recent monsoon season, so I will doubtless miss what is laughably called "the British Summer".
Come Friday night, I will be herded through Gatwick South like a sheep going to the abattoir in a place resembling a scene from Dawn of the Dead. I will be standing, cheek by jowel with various horrors - all coughing, snotting, farting, staring into space and listening to some detritus on the iPod/MP3 thingies.
When we finally get to the front of the Check-In queue, the uninterested attendant will ask me to put our bags on the weighing device and it is at this point, they can give you their sanctimonious stare when they proudly declare that you have exceeded the 15kg limit per person. Now, I ask you - 15kgs! The weight of my PG Tips tea bags, Fray Bentos meat pies and Suntan lotion probably comes to about that, before we even start considering my Speedos, sandals and white socks. But that's the limit, because some chinless wonder further up the scale thinks that reducing the weight may save a few trees. Well excuse me, but that is bollo*. If I were to turn around in the queue I will doubtless see all manner of human dustbins, sweating profusely and each weighing the same as a small terraced house.
How about having a maximum weight limit for the people flying?! Surely that's fairer - say 100kg for passenger and luggage combined?  Think of the benefits - the anorexic models can take bags and bags of Chanel, Dior, Karen Millen & George gear and still be OK. The porkers? Well, you guessed it, they won't be able to fly unless  nearly naked and carrying no more than a toothbrush and deodorant. Many will simply not be able to fly, so the airport will be a lot quieter. The holiday trade in the UK will boom as the heifers re-acquaint themselves with the Kiss-Me-Quick hat, radiation contaminated shellfish and shifty B&B owners. After a few years of that, they may even decide to get healthy - the benefits for the nation are endless. And all the while, I will be sunning my ar$e laughing at them...
I think I could be on to something here?

[Barman]

So the time of year has come whereby I will be off to sunnier climes for the traditional fortnight of sun, sea and diarrhoea.

As usual I have timed it perfection in that the sun has recently made itself known once more here following the recent monsoon season, so I will doubtless miss what is laughably called "the British Summer".
Come Friday night, I will be herded through Gatwick South like a sheep going to the abattoir in a place resembling a scene from Dawn of the Dead. I will be standing, cheek by jowel with various horrors - all coughing, snotting, farting, staring into space and listening to some detritus on the iPod/MP3 thingies.
When we finally get to the front of the Check-In queue, the uninterested attendant will ask me to put our bags on the weighing device and it is at this point, they can give you their sanctimonious stare when they proudly declare that you have exceeded the 15kg limit per person. Now, I ask you - 15kgs! The weight of my PG Tips tea bags, Fray Bentos meat pies and Suntan lotion probably comes to about that, before we even start considering my Speedos, sandals and white socks. But that's the limit, because some chinless wonder further up the scale thinks that reducing the weight may save a few trees. Well excuse me, but that is bollo*. If I were to turn around in the queue I will doubtless see all manner of human dustbins, sweating profusely and each weighing the same as a small terraced house.
How about having a maximum weight limit for the people flying?! Surely that's fairer - say 100kg for passenger and luggage combined?  Think of the benefits - the anorexic models can take bags and bags of Chanel, Dior, Karen Millen & George gear and still be OK. The porkers? Well, you guessed it, they won't be able to fly unless  nearly naked and carrying no more than a toothbrush and deodorant. Many will simply not be able to fly, so the airport will be a lot quieter. The holiday trade in the UK will boom as the heifers re-acquaint themselves with the Kiss-Me-Quick hat, radiation contaminated shellfish and shifty B&B owners. After a few years of that, they may even decide to get healthy - the benefits for the nation are endless. And all the while, I will be sunning my ar$e laughing at them...
I think I could be on to something here?

The weight limit is probably there to protect the thieving scum that hurl your bag onto the ?plane. Heaven forbid they should put their backs out while attempting to steal anything valuable from your case.

Having said that, I?m in agreement with you ? in ?normal? life you can taker measures to avoid the obese but air travel forces you together. There is nothing worse than having one next to you taking a seat-and-a-half except perhaps having a human weeble sitting or perhaps lying is a better description on the seat in front. Not only do you spend the journey in fear of the seat collapsing on you but the double horror of imagining the chaos caused by lardy in the event of an emergency evacuation (of the ?plane).

No, lards should be charged excess baggage plus a supplemental charge for a reinforced seat complete with double-size tray for their super-meal and multiple bottles of free booze.
 

[The Moan Ranger]

P.S. Does anybody know if this BlackBerry thing will work in Turkey?

[Snoopy]

P.S. Does anybody know if this BlackBerry thing will work in Turkey?

Personally I'd prefer the traditional chestnut but if in doubt ask Darwin ~ He's our Turkey specialist.

[Darwins Selection]

P.S. Does anybody know if this BlackBerry thing will work in Turkey?

Personally I'd prefer the traditional chestnut but if in doubt ask Darwin ~ He's our Turkey specialist.

Indeed.

Blackberries are OK in the right kind of turkey, although cranberries are better.

If you want to be sure of a suitable bird, send me ?50 and I will ensure you get the best this Christmas.

[Landlady]

P.S. Does anybody know if this BlackBerry thing will work in Turkey?

Personally I'd prefer the traditional chestnut but if in doubt ask Darwin ~ He's our Turkey specialist.

Indeed.

Blackberries are OK in the right kind of turkey, although cranberries are better.

If you want to be sure of a suitable bird, send me ?50 and I will ensure you get the best this Christmas.

Please accept my order for one suitable bird for Christmas for the Barman 
That's his christmas stocking sorted, his cheeky happy little face on the day should be a pciture  and it means I can catch up on my sleep 
Cheque will be in the posy v.soon 

PS) Assume your birds are ready plucked? 

[Darwins Selection]

P.S. Does anybody know if this BlackBerry thing will work in Turkey?

Personally I'd prefer the traditional chestnut but if in doubt ask Darwin ~ He's our Turkey specialist.

Indeed.

Blackberries are OK in the right kind of turkey, although cranberries are better.

If you want to be sure of a suitable bird, send me ?50 and I will ensure you get the best this Christmas.

Please accept my order for one suitable bird for Christmas for the Barman 
That's his christmas stocking sorted, his cheeky happy little face on the day should be a pciture  and it means I can catch up on my sleep 
Cheque will be in the posy v.soon 

PS) Assume your birds are ready plucked? 

Yees, of course . .

Just make the cheque for cash will be fine.

[Barman]

 

[The Moan Ranger]

Well, we've arrived and as you can see, the BlackBerry works. Now, I must busy myself with the terrible task of drinking the local brew whilst enjoying the forty odd degree heat. It's a tough job...

[Barman]

Well, we've arrived and as you can see, the BlackBerry works. Now, I must busy myself with the terrible task of drinking the local brew whilst enjoying the forty odd degree heat. It's a tough job...

Effes? 

[Snoopy]

Thrilled to bits that we will not be deprived of your observations of love, life and all that whilst you are contracting skin cancer.
Me? I shall be enjoying all the delights of the Welsh coast and mountains throughout the Summer and taking my usual Autumn break on the Costa Del Dorset when every one is back at work.

[tel]

I am at work, in an air-conditioned office - nearly 3o outside. I will have my local brew of Youngs, later on, and a bit of the rugby.
Unfortunately, someone has clouted one of the electronic access pillars that control the doors and an alarm is constantly ringing.
The bells, the bells!

[The Moan Ranger]

Young's. (Insert smiley cloud 9)

Tough break Tel, I will have a few for you :-)

Snoopy, is skin cancer something you "contract" or something you "develop"? Anyway, so far the only down side is too many Scousers, but they seem pleasant enough. On the plane over a most attractive blonde sat next to me and then fell asleep on my shoulder. Mrs TMR was not amused. Now, back to the beer...

[Snoopy]

Young's. (Insert smiley cloud 9)

Tough break Tel, I will have a few for you :-)

Snoopy, is skin cancer something you "contract" or something you "develop"? Anyway, so far the only down side is too many Scousers, but they seem pleasant enough. On the plane over a most attractive blonde sat next to me and then fell asleep on my shoulder. Mrs TMR was not amused. Now, back to the beer...

Source: http://www.koolsun.co.uk/acatalog/Sun_Safety.html

Britain now has more deaths per annum from Malignant Melanoma than Australia and over 69,000 new cases of skin cancer are diagnosed each year. Many of the people who contract skin cancer have never been abroad. People are unaware of the very real risk posed by the sun in the UK and the damage it can cause to the skin's DNA; they will use high factor sun cream on foreign holidays, they do not use the same protection at home.

Cancer Research UK said that the rises were "worrying", especially as the disease was "almost entirely preventable".

 

[The Moan Ranger]

I know that - by my simple brain says you "contract" something like a cold - something that can be passed through airborne viruses, whereas you would "develop" other conditions, through cell mutations arising from carcinogens. Just being a pedant.

Anyhoooo hopefully my skin will be the same brown colour as my lungs doubtless are after so many years smoking. As a Beagle, thought you'd be a keen smoker yourself :-)